Tuesday, March 5, 2019
She's Not Running, But Vows To Hang Around and Annoy All of Us Mercilessly
In an appearance on local news in New York, Hillary Clinton confirmed Monday night that she really really isn't running for president in 2020, and will instead remain active in politics, bothering both right and left. She also ruled out any prospects of losing races for other offices like New York governor or mayor of New York City, although she added she loves New York and cares very much about its future.
In addition to helping to develop a Mars colony of enslaved children to serve the whims of the Hollywood and global elite's vast army of pedophiles, she intends to stay involved by meeting with 2020 Democratic candidates to offer them feedback and her winning strategy advice. Clinton also said she was very encouraged by the outcome of the 2018 midterm elections and was "thrilled by the exciting, dynamic women who were elected to Congress," particularly if she can use her sophisticated mind control techniques to make them do her bidding, even after she is imprisoned in Guantanamo.
Clinton will likely occasionally appear on MSNBC and say crazy things, like entirely new DaVinci Code-type reasoning for her presidential campaign losses or to reveal a juicy Russian/Trump conspiracy theory to drastically reduce the number of domestically produced English Muffins. A brief moment of silence followed by a 'Vagina Yell' will be held later today by the small but intense "Clinton's About to Run" feminist covens across the country who's dreams Clinton has selfishly stomped upon.