Saturday, May 11, 2019

Jeff Bezos Addresses Rumors of POTUS Aspirations

MFNS Jeff Bezos, the creepy looking Amazon founder and CEO,  held a hastily called press conference in front of the 100-foot polished brass plated blast-proof doors guarding the entrance to his underground headquarters at the base of Mount Rainier. He called reporters together to address recent rumors and make clear that he has “No illusion or aspiration for the office of president of the United States.” Reporters in attendance struggled to hear Bezos over the din of endless dodecacopter drones whisking heavy machinery into the subterranean factory/AI hive/research facility.

Bezos explained that a step down from his current position to the office of POTUS would be a mistake on par with “having a Facebook account in this day and age,” but left open the idea of a lateral move. 
“I would certainly entertain taking a position of comparable importance and meaning… something along the lines of Prime Minister of Earth.”
When asked if he meant “earn” or “seek” such a position, Bezos answered in his normal, matter of factly manner,
No, I said take the position. That’s what I meant.” 
Bezos, who some quietly whisper is not of this earth, recently claimed the title of Richest Man on the Planet, which press kits point out is actually “Richest being in the solar system, and known universe.” And since his acquisition of Whole Foods Co. and the Washington Post Inc., Bezos has made major inroads into future control of the worlds food supply as well as the dissemination of truth and information.

When asked by REDACTED, correspondent for REDACTED, if the recent unveiling of his cardboard Blue Moon Lander was “just some dumb Amazon dot com publicity stunt,” REDACTED was quickly whisked away by Amazon robotic security and disappeared, and any trace of him erased from history. To confirm this, we searched online archives for any mention of REDACTED or his work at REDACTED and found no results.

The wealthiest creature in the Galaxy has more important things to do besides being your President, like sucking the precious bodily fluid outa the Moon.

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