Monday, March 2, 2020

A DMF Tribute to the Late Great Chris Matthews

Chris Matthews tonight announced his retirement from MSNBC after twenty years with the network: "After a conversation with MSNBC, I decided last night will be my last Hardball."  In other words, they called him out for being a creep. He said goodbye and walked off the set. But in honor of one media personality that never failed to give such rich and robust material to the conservative blogosphere, we look back on a few of Chris' highlights from years past.

Chris Matthews to Donate Leg to Obama
Presidential Library

MFNS -Washington - MSNBC political commentator Chris Matthews today announced he would proudly donate his famous "Tingling Leg" to the future Barack Obama Presidential Failure Library said to be planned for construction in Hawaii. 
"Every since I made that statement on-air about the tingle up my leg the night of the election, the conservative bloggers have been shellacking me with it night and day!. So I plan when Barack leaves office to amputate it and donate it to the Obama Library and make all those bastards look like fools" Matthews told Middle Finger News. 

Ask if he was absolutely serious about the statement he  told us,  "Look, we were indeed drinking heavily during commercial breaks in the election coverage, but on air I was sitting next to Rachel Maddow for Gods sake! And while she was wild eyed and had on a nice pair of fishnets and playing footsie under the table with Andrea Mitchell.... I know the tingle wasn't because of them! That was 100% adrenaline and admiration for Barack Obama because of the outcome of election night." 

There has at this time been no official statement from the White House, but Press Secretary Jay Carney  suggested the addition of the famous amputated leg, preserved in a glass case in the entrance to the future library would be an towering symbol of the love and support by members of the media for the 44th President in his heroic struggle to save America.

" Barack will get the leg when he leaves office.....I'll show those bastards!" said Matthews.

Post Inaugural: Chris Matthews' MSNBC Panel Fawns Over Michelle Obama's.....Buttocks

MFNS-Washington DC.- In the final minutes of the MSNBC coverage of Donald Trump being sworn in as 45th President, in order to steer the subject away from Trump, Chris Matthews invited several of the network’s past and present commentators who covered the Obamas over the last 8 years to pay tribute to former First Lady Michelle Obama.

It was classic Chris Matthews MSNBC lunacy.....

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  A couple of days ago the remarkable Michelle Obama celebrated her 53th birthday. I thought we would end tonight’s show by taking a few moments to reflect upon a sensational African American first lady. Ed Schultz, my good union friend, your thoughts on our gracious former first lady.

ED SCHULTZ: I know that she’s a beautiful lady, Chris. I can tell you that.

MATTHEWS: So you wouldn’t kick her out of bed for 

SCHULTZ: For eating crackers? Heck no. She can eat all the crackers she wants. Hell, she can eat a greasy double cheeseburger with a side order of cheesy fries and wipe her hands on the sheets.

AL SHARPTON: (smiling) What would a good lookin’ Black African American woman of color be doing in bed with a fat white boy like you, Ed?

SCHULTZ: (laughing) Hey, even fat white boys have fantasies.

SHARPTON: Are you frantrasizing about Michelle Obama or the double cheeseburger?

MATTHEWS: What about you, Rachel. You’re a lesbian, would you kick the first lady out of bed?

RACHEL MADDOW: (clears her throat) Well, I think Mrs. Obama is a remarkable and inspirational woman, but she’s not really my type.

SHARPTON:  Ain’t your type? I hope you’re not talking about her African American color.

MADDOW: Of course I’m not. I just like smaller girls. It’s nothing personal.

SHARPTON: Are you saying Mrs. President’s behind isn’t enough for you?

MADDOW: No, why would you say that?

SHARPTON: There are some white folks who say she got a big behind.

MATTHEWS: You know what is big about the first lady? Her heart.

SCHULTZ: She does have a mighty big heart. You don’t have to be a union member to see that.

MATTHEWS: How ’bout you, Melissa?

MELISSA HARRIS-PERRY: It’sth not justh her heart thatsth big, her compasthion and her unsthelfisthnesth isth sthpectacular alstho.

MATTHEWS: But she’s a good lookin’ woman isn’t she? Don’t you think she’s an attractive African American woman?

MELISSA HARRIS-PERRY: Of coursth she isth. I think the firsth lady is adorable. And yesth, she’sth alstho very sthexsthy.

MATTHEWS: Everybody knows about my man crush on President Obama, but Mrs. Obama is just too attractive. I could never compete with her.

SHARPTON: Damn right you couldn’t.

MELISSA HARRIS-PERRY: I don’t think there’sth any questhion Misthes Obama’s buttocksth are sthpectacular.

MADDOW: If I may steer this conversation away from the first lady’s robust hind quarters, I think Mrs. Obama’s focus on social issues has been wonderful.

SHARPTON: Are you uncomfortable, Rachel? I’ve noticed that lesbians are more secreeted than them homos are. Why is dat?

SCHULTZ: That’s probably why the gays use lube.

MADDOW: I don’t think lesbians are more secretive than gay men, Al, I’m just personally not very open about myself in public. It’s just me, not my sexual orientation.

SHARPTON: I don’t think any woman, be it a lesbo or normal woman, should open up in public. Dere's lots of weirdos out there with camera phones.

MELISSA HARRIS-PERRY: Christh, shouldn’t we have more of an inclusthive group talking about our beloved firsth lady.

MATTHEWS: Melissa has a valid point. I’m ashamed that we don’t have a Latino voice among us.

MADDOW: Or a transgender voice.

MATTHEWS:  I tried to get Bruce Jenner on the show but he’s still recovering from having something or other removed.

SCHULTZ: And I for one wish him a speedy recovery towards whatever it is he’s becoming. We don’t have an Asian or Native American voice with us either, Chris.

SHARPTON: Or a midget.

MADDOW: Or anyone physically challenged.

SHARPTON: Melissa has a lisp.

MELISSA HARRIS-PERRY: But I don’t know if it allowsth me to be a represthentative for the physthically challenged community, doesth it?

SCHULTZ: As a union man I find your lisp erotic.

MATTHEWS: Look, I’m the first to admit we have too many white people on this network. My audience knows the distaste I have for the color of my skin. I've apologized profusely for being a white male, not just on my show, but in grocery stores and even bus stops. I was born this way and with God as my witness, I’d take my own life if I felt it would save a person of color, a woman, an LGBT person or an undocumented worker from any more pain.

SCHULTZ: I’m with you on that, brother.
(Chris Matthews and Ed Schultz high-five each other)

MELISSA HARRIS-PERRY: (wiping tear from her eye) That was stho sthweet. Imagine a world where all white men could feel that kind of shame.

SHARPTON: I’ve dedicated my life to shaming whitey.

MATTHEWS: I can only hope that MSNBC’s valiant efforts to disparage, condemn and shame white people has helped our first lady to feel more proud of her country.

MADDOW: I have no doubt the first lady is pleased with our tireless fight.

MELISSA HARRIS-PERRY: (Tears streaming down her face) Obama!


The Five Dumbest Things Chris Matthews Said On Air In 2015

Chris Matthews: The Joe Biden of Cable News  

With all the stupidity and ignorance that reins supreme and surrounds him at MSNBC, it must have been an epic time consuming project to narrow down to just 5 examples the dumbest of comments by Chris Matthews this year. But MRC's Ken Shepard took on the task and managed to do just that for us all:
"With the year swiftly coming to a close, I thought I'd take a look back at some of the stupidest comments that Hardball host Chris Matthews made on the air in 2015. These are ones I consider particularly stupid, not necessary or merely politically slanted, just head-scratchingly stupid. Here are just five, ranked in no particular order."
1.) Cuban-American Republicans aren't really Hispanic:- On his November 11 edition of Hardball, Matthews holds forth on how Republican Sens. Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are not really Hispanic, although they are "Cuban nationals." Of course both are natural-born U.S. citizens of Cuban heritage, which makes them Hispanic but NOT Cuban nationals, which implies they were born in Cuba  - See Video 
2.) We should sentence the gyrocopter pilot who caused a terrorism scare at U.S. Capitol to... giving Congress a lecture?! The day after Florida mailman Doug Hughes piloted a gyrocopter through restricted Washington, D.C. airspace to land on the grounds of the U.S. Capitol – ostensibly so he could "deliver" letters about the need for campaign finance reform to all 535 members of Congress – Matthews told his audience at home his brilliant idea for what sort of sentence Hughes should serve -  See Video
3.) The Amtrak derailment in May was caused by the lack of "straight lines" on the route: I kid you not. Now, in fairness, Matthews's larger complaint was about how property rights and lack of central planning mean countries like China can quickly build super-fast rail lines on relatively straight routes. That said, yeah, it's still pretty stupid:  See Video
4.) Chris thinks the defunct Blockbuster Video chain has stores everywhere in 2015 America:  This is one for the "Do you even get out much, Grandpa?" file. Apparently Chris Matthews is stuck in a 1995 America  - "that's always the best argument against free trade. A point defense kind of thing. If you look in particular areas, Michigan City, a lot of the a lot of Midwestern cities have nothing less than a Blockbuster and a diner left, if they have the diner, and if they have the Blockbuster. They're hollowed-out cities." Link
5.) London's mayor should run for president of the United States some day: While Boris Johnson is in fact a natural-born U.S. citizen, he doesn't meet the other matter of constitutional eligibility to hold the office: the 14-year residency requirement. Link
You can read much more at NewsBusters

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