The Impeachment Signing Photo You Weren't Supposed to See

Democrat committee members convene in private as the Speaker of the House loads a bowl for the group's partaking of celebratory bong hits before officially signing off on the Articles of Impeachment and delivery to the Senate Chamber. The most amazing feature of this historic photo is that it shows Nancy Pelosi actually cast a reflection in the mirror. 

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Assistant New York Times Wedding Section Editor Dan Gould Issues Corrections

Corrections: Jan 8, 2020

(NYT) The New York Times would like to issue corrections for the wedding announcement of Mr. Adam Penview to Ms. Katie Jasper that ran in yesterday's Wedding Section.

We incorrectly identified in the announcement that Mr. Adam Penview and Ms. Katie Jasper were married at the Church of the Holy Trinity in Manhattan. They were married at St. Brigid’s. Additionally, we inaccurately wrote that the groom “attended Cornell University and double-majored in English and Humping Other English Majors’ Girlfriends.”

Mr. Penview, in fact, only majored in English. He did not major in “Humping Other English Majors’ Girlfriends,” as that is not currently an existing track of study at Cornell or any other accredited university.

In addition, we erroneously wrote yesterday that Mr. Penview was the “son of Dr. Ryan Penview, a third-generation ophthalmologist, and Mrs. Claire Penview, a Zuckerberg-ass beaver-bitch.” Mrs. Penview practiced law in New York State until 2004, and is considered by many to be a friendly and beautiful member of her community, bearing no resemblance whatsoever to Mark Zuckerberg or his rear end. “Beaver-bitch” is not a profession.

We also incorrectly noted yesterday that the couple met “while the bride was dating the totally devoted and now very successful New York Times Wedding Section Editor Dan Gould.

Dan guesses he just wasn’t good enough for you Katie, because you had to go hump that piece of shit Adam Penview that you met at the English major mixer while Dan left Ithaca for the weekend to go to his Nana’s 90th birthday in Needham, Mass. Dan even brought you back a hat from the birthday party that said ‘Ethel’s Doin’ It For One Night Only.’ FYI, Adam, it counts as incest if you sleep with another English major’s girlfriend, since English majors are BASICALLY BROTHERS. Nana will live forever!!!”

Though factually correct, the New York Times apologizes for the way in which Mr. Penview and Ms. Jasper’s first meeting and relationship history were portrayed. Additionally, the hat actually read “Ethel’s Not 90…She’s 89.95 Plus Tax.” She has since passed.

Yesterday, we printed that “God Katie sorry I’m writing all this I’ve taken a lot of Robitussin you are so beautiful. You look like a young Nancy Kerrigan. Oh God I love you.” In fact, Mr. Gould had only taken a moderate amount of Robitussin.

Yesterday, we wrote “Katie, I’m so sorry, oh God, please come back, I think you can get weddings annulled really easily, it’s like a five-second rule type thing. Also Adam, I’m really sorry, I actually think you’re a pretty good guy, I once had a dream that you saved me from Gwyneth Paltrow's steaming vagina.  Granted, I had taken a lot of Robitussin that night, but when I woke up I did feel sincerely indebted to you.” I don’t know where to start. The New York Times is just so sorry for this entire paragraph.  

Hey just kidding about all these things that we said we retracted, we’re just the New York Times, what do we know about anything but hard candy and old wrinkly balls!!!!!

We wrote in the paragraph above that says “Hey just kidding about all these things that we said we retracted, we’re just the New York Times what do we know about anything but hard candy and old wrinkly balls!!!!!”  In actuality, Dan Gould just broke back into the Corrections Department and stole the computer that I’m writing this on. He has been promptly escorted from the building and arrested. In addition, The New York Times is an extremely current print newspaper that offers breaking unbiased news and fun crossword puzzles. Fuck Dan Gould.

We retract “Fuck Dan Gould.”

We apologize for these mistakes.

Retailers Hit Back at Annoying Shoppers

It's Payback Time Bitches!

By Middle Finger News Consumer Affairs Reporter Toylett Bole

Industry Launches Website 'RateThatCustomer'

MFNS - Following the growth in review sites where consumers can rate the services they use, retailers have welcomed the launch of the new website RateThatCustomer which allows them to rate and review their experiences with individual customers.

"It’s finally payback time," said Scarlet Greene, assistant manager of 'The Reefer Bookshop' in Chicago which has already joined the new site. "A recent customer left us negative feedback because we wouldn’t give him a 60% discount and one of our cashiers ‘has acne’. Now we can go to RateThatCustomer and let everyone know that he’s a tight ass cheap bastard who only needed 60 minutes a month on his phone contract because he hasn’t got any friends to call."

Frogmella Dees - Expert in
Peculation of Retail Merchandise

With a 5-star rating function and the ability to upload a photo of the customer being reviewed, RateThatCustomer already has over 5,000 businesses subscribing to the service. Customers are marked on their ‘browsing-to-buying ratio’, ‘politeness to staff’, ‘suggestibility’, and even their ‘looks and appearance’.

Gus Napolo, Owner of 'Gus' Lingerie Shop' told us he now has an outlet to not only give customer reviews, but also give problem customers a piece of his mine. "This customer always makes a point to tell me how much cheaper products are at other stores  'Here’s an idea. asshole. Go there and shop. You always smell like F**kin' disappointment anyway."

Peachy Keene - Infamous Serial
Merchandise Returner and
General All Around Pain in the Ass

And Candy Mann of 'Michele's Used Candles and Tire Repair' wrote "this regular customer was on their cell phone the entire time I am ringing them out. I’m sure that telling your bff about your super-hot date with the mega rich lawyer is way more important than taking four seconds to acknowledge there is an actual person standing in front of you and  put down the phone. If you don’t, next time I’m going to fart in your bag so there will be a death cloud hitting you in the face when you open it." 
  
Anyone in retail knows you can’t just lavish high-quality customer service on everyone who comes through the door,’ explained the site’s founder. RateThatCustomer helps retailers to avoid expending effort on the serial complainers and the timewasters who’ll never buy anything. In fact data from the site shows that the customer is always right only 0.3% of the time.

The Always Annoying Dirk Blinker 
and His Poo Flinging Monkey Hillary

Some customers have criticized the new service, however. After stumbling across her review by chance when Googling herself, Doreen McAllister was furious at receiving a 1-star rating from retailer 'Monsiers Dress Shop' for trying on four different sizes of the same underwear without buying any of them, and then ‘loudly announcing that the quality is better in Brickeners ’. 

"The review makes me look like some kind of snob", said Doreen. "They said I asked for assistance with absolutely everything and called me a ‘pestomer’ rather than a customer. But what they said about my appearance was just spiteful. It’s not at all the case that I was too fat for any of the dresses, and I certainly won’t be taking their advice and going to 'Academy Sports' to pick up a tent instead."

__________________________________________

Toylett Bole is Middle Finger News Service Consumer Affairs Reporter. Ms. Bole is a expert on retail business, earning her Associate Degree in Retail Lost Prevention while attending the Mississippi State Correction Facility for Women. She Later earned her full Degree in Merchandising while attending the Caddo Correctional Center in Louisiana.

Greta Threatens to Hold Her Breath Until Evil World Leaders Capitulate To Her Demands

MIDDLE FINGER NEWS SERVICE 

MFNS - Climate activist Greta Thunberg apologized after saying that world leaders who don't act on climate change should be put "against the wall." The sixteen year old provocative pig tailed propaganda purveyor who has been striking against climate change by skipping school claimed on Saturday that the Swedish to English translation incorrectly implied she thought politicians should be killed. It was reported she said we must hold our leaders accountable and unfortunately said 'put them against the wall'. 

That’s Swenglish: “att ställa någon mot väggen” (to put someone against the wall) means to hold someone accountable," she said. "That’s what happens when you improvise speeches in a second language."

Greta went on to correct the record and say what she meant was "I will hold my breath until you evil rat bastards capitulate to my demands. Failure to do so will result in my demise as well as mother Earth and you will burn in HELL! Understand!!??"

Greta took no questions as she then excused herself to rush to meet her reservations for a first class, climate controlled private compartment on mass transit powered by fossil fuel produced electricity and continue her 'How Dare You' tour.

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Snopes.com Verified to be a Hoax – According to Snopes.com

From the Archives of DMF:

We have all visited  the myth-busting web site Snopes.com to verify a legend or rumor swirling around the Internet. Whether it be politics, urban legends and the such, Snopes is committed to tracking down the truth or falsity of every Internet claim, no matter how credible or far-fetched. 

Thanks to Snopes.com, I no longer fear flesh-eating bananas from Costa Rica, venomous Canadian grasshoppers or deadly rat droppings in my box of Special K cereal which will cause my internal organs to turn to mush and my head explode. 

I no longer worry that downloading Adele albums to my computer will trigger a virus that will erase my computer’s hard drive on Christmas morning. I don’t fear that the police officer who is about to pull me over for an illegal left turn might in reality be a raging psychopath impersonating a cop, intent on killing me so he can eat my kidneys. Thanks to Snopes, I am no longer paralyzed with fear at the thought of leaving my bathroom.

So imagine my shock when I found out this week that Snopes decided to research claims that Snopes itself was a hoax. Snopes, true to its commitment, conducted an in-depth investigation. Stunningly, Snopes concluded that in fact there was no credible evidence to support the existence of Snopes, and reported its findings at its web site, Snopes.com. 

But interestingly, Snopes then conducted a further investigation and discovered something even more perplexing: Its subsequent study concluded that the alarmist claims by Snopes that it does not exist were in fact just a nefarious hoax, and that Snopes was in fact real after all. It pointed to reams of statistical reports showing thousands of daily web site visits, to debunk claims that it did not exist. But it didn’t end there. Shortly after that study, yet another Snopes investigation was launched, aiming this time to determine whether or not the previous Snopes report – which had reported that the Snopes report claiming that Snopes.com was a hoax, was itself a hoax – was in fact a hoax or not. 

As of this writing, the answer is still uncertain. It appears that Snopes has been caught in some carnival “funhouse of mirrors” endless loop of claims and counter claims about its own existence. As a result of this chain reaction of Snopes investigations into its own existence, the entire bank of Snopes web servers finally overloaded and crashed – that is, if we are to believe that those web servers ever existed in the first place. 

So how will I know what’s true anymore? I don’t know what to believe. Without Snopes.com, I won’t know whether I should refuse to accept anyone’s business card ever again because it could be soaked in a dangerous drug which will completely erase my memory and make me believe I'm Joan Crawford. I worry about whether I might be asked by a company’s customer service automated phone menu to “please press #-9-0” – only to end up accidentally turning over my credit card information to Bulgarian Internet pornographers who will go on a shopping spree at Tiffany’s using my Discover credit card. And how will I ever know for sure whether those two cats living in my house these past 6 years are really not aliens from another planet deposited in my house for the sole purpose of spying on me and driving me insane? One can never be too cautious these days.

Without Snopes.com to turn to for answers, I am confused and bewildered. But there are a few  things I do know for a fact:

• Watching 50 hours of NOVA episodes on PBS will grow new brain cells and actually make you smarter – FALSE! (However, it IS true that watching even a single episode of THE VIEW can potentially destroy up to 10,000,000 brain cells)

• Eating a diet consisting of nothing but broccoli and tuna fish for four months will enlarge your breast. – Totally FALSE! (Don’t ask me how I know, but I do. Just trust me.)

• Using cell phones while fueling up at a gas station leads to brain cancer in mice – FALSE! (As to why mice were using cell phones at gas stations, that’s a question scientists still refuse to answer.)

• Watching Fox News more than an hour a week will lead to incurable insanity – TRUE/FALSE (Technically, scientists now think this only poses a serious mental health risk if you are exposed to the Sean Hannity show for prolonged periods.)

So be vigilant my friends. There are people out there intent on messing with your minds....

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS  &  Larywn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal 
for the Linkage! ~

Dropping the Soap is the Least of His Problems....

Bernie Sanders Given Honor of Own Native American Name

A Middle Finger News Great Moments in History

Senator Bernie Sanders was invited to address a gathering of the Indian First Nations chiefs in Denver, CO. He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing the standard of living for all of their citizens by totally free government grants for free college educations, free Medicare for all,etc.

He mentioned how he always supported these issues that came forward to him. Although Sanders was vague about the details for the funding of his plans, he spoke eloquently about his ideas if he wins the White House in 2020. At the conclusion of his speech, the chiefs presented him with a beautiful plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."

The proud Sanders accepted the plaque and then returned to Washington. A news reporter asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Sanders. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Via Overnight Thread@ACEHQ

~Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Lizzy Warren Sets ‘Jeopardy!’ Loss Record After Buzzing in With “What Is a New Government Program?” Every Time.

By Harvey@IMAO

CULVER CITY, CA (AP) – Hot on the heels of ‘Jeopardy!’ champion James Holzhauer’s 33-game, $2.5 million winning streak, Democrat Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren appeared on the show to set a record of her own. In Warren’s case, though, it was pretty much the exact opposite of Holzhauer’s run, as Warren defied all odds by actually obtaining the lowest theoretical possible score of -$58,000 by offering “what is a new government program?” as her response every time she buzzed in first, which she did every time host Alex Trebek read an answer.  

During a post-game interview, Warren seemed baffled by the turn of events. “I don’t understand,” said Warren. “I phrased it in the form of a question every time, didn’t I?

READ MORE 

Thinking of Complimenting Chick-Fil-A in Public Again?

Zuckerberg Buys Alcatraz Island to House Violators of New

 Facebook Hate Speech Policy

By Harvey@IMAO

MENLO PARK (AP) – As part of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s plan to have the most aggressive anti-hate speech policy on social media, the billionaire entrepreneur purchased the entire island of Alcatraz, including its prison facilities, with the intention of housing policy violators there. 

Zuckerberg explained his decision to finally put some much needed “teeth” into a policy that is often just words and air on other platforms. “Facebook opposes hate speech,” said Zuckerberg. “Also hate agents, hate statements, hate signals, hate ideologies, hate entities, hate symbols, hate slogans, hate paraphernalia, and neutral statements about the aforementioned hate items. 

However, until now, all we’ve been able to do is deplatform violators. But then they just go to Gab and go right on hate-speeching, because the stupid government won’t let us control everyone’s speech even though it’d be best for everyone.” “Then I thought, well, they sure couldn’t do what they wanted if they were in prison. Epiphany! I’ll just buy a prison and put all the people I don’t like in it.”

READ MORE 

NOTE: Harvey seems to be off the air right now - Check this Link later.

Jeff Bezos Addresses Rumors of POTUS Aspirations

MFNS - Jeff Bezos, the creepy looking Amazon founder and CEO,  held a hastily called press conference in front of the 100-foot polished brass plated blast-proof doors guarding the entrance to his underground headquarters at the base of Mount Rainier. He called reporters together to address recent rumors and make clear that he has “No illusion or aspiration for the office of president of the United States.” Reporters in attendance struggled to hear Bezos over the din of endless dodecacopter drones whisking heavy machinery into the subterranean factory/AI hive/research facility.

Bezos explained that a step down from his current position to the office of POTUS would be a mistake on par with “having a Facebook account in this day and age,” but left open the idea of a lateral move. 

“I would certainly entertain taking a position of comparable importance and meaning… something along the lines of Prime Minister of Earth.”

When asked if he meant “earn” or “seek” such a position, Bezos answered in his normal, matter of factly manner,

“No, I said take the position. That’s what I meant.” 

Bezos, who some quietly whisper is not of this earth, recently claimed the title of Richest Man on the Planet, which press kits point out is actually “Richest being in the solar system, and known universe.” And since his acquisition of Whole Foods Co. and the Washington Post Inc., Bezos has made major inroads into future control of the worlds food supply as well as the dissemination of truth and information.

When asked by REDACTED, correspondent for REDACTED, if the recent unveiling of his cardboard Blue Moon Lander was “just some dumb Amazon dot com publicity stunt,” REDACTED was quickly whisked away by Amazon robotic security and disappeared, and any trace of him erased from history. To confirm this, we searched online archives for any mention of REDACTED or his work at REDACTED and found no results.

The wealthiest creature in the Galaxy has more important things to do besides being your President, like sucking the precious bodily fluid outa the Moon.

The Queen of All America: A Memoir

Middle Finger News Book Review

Former first lady Michelle Obama has chosen to bless us with her first book post-White House,  a memoir titled “Becoming” that is set to hit the store shelves Tuesday. It follows Obama’s journey from the South Side of Chicago to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Middle Finger News was able to steal attain an advance readers copy of the 426-page book and undertook the arduous task of reading it so you don't have to. We even mustered enough enthusiasm to write a review for you, because we're just that kinda people.......

Even though she resides in the top .001% of wealth, power and celebrity, Ms. Obama never lets us forget the deep personal pain of growing up in a middle-class, two-parent household and receiving one of the finest educations the world can offer. She gives the reader the impression she's felt most of her life people saw her a large unattractive woman, because so many address her "Sir".

The most interesting parts of the generally boring ramblings were about the Fame and Fortune of White House Years, when America dressed her in the finest, and kissed her feet as their Queen.  Mrs. Obama tells of her overwhelming feeling of apprehension to take all those wonderful royal, incredibly luxurious, taxpayer-paid vacations, vacations sometime under the guise of education, that along with moms Robinson and daughters Sushi and Malaria, cost the us millions of dollars. But, because she is was elected queen of all America, she considers that cost her just due. She bravely confesses to us her mother being “a little bit” wary about her effeminate future son-in-law being part cracker, a product of a white mom and black dad. But she tells us that apprehension was finally wiped away while kicked back collecting a pension and living in her own apartment with antique four-poster bed and sitting area on the third floor of the White House, living large at the taxpayer expense. 

The most touching parts of Mrs. Obamas memoirs tells us one of her warmest memories as First Lady was while a lengthy taxpayer funded vacation in Europe she was honored by the city of Milan and Italian Government with a sculpture done in her honor, 'The Grosso Culo', capturing in stone the very essence of America's First lady. Mrs. Obama also devotes a chapter of thoughts on her devoted love of Charity work and another on memories of her many requested Television appearances, and a non-blockbuster movie of her budding bromance with a young Barack.

All in all, The Prestigious Middle Finger Book Review gives  Michelle Obama's Memoir "Becoming" 2 of 7 Stars. It's printed on really nice quality paper and is quite hefty for it's size, so if you happen to receive a copy as a gift this holiday season, it will make an excellent doorstop and the cover image should help keep rodents at bay. ~T.M.

 

Tugs McWilson is Middle Finger News Senior Book Review Editor. Tugs is a father of 9 (that he knows of) and holds a degree in recycling from the California School of Sanitation. A retired manager of Minute Oil Change, Tugs is an avid reader, or at least that's what we've been told. 

Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS and 
                          MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage!

Historic City to Change Name in Response to LGBTQ Protest

Middle Finger News Exclusive

D.F. Krause Reporting

Detroit Bends Over to Gay Protest of Homophobic City Name  

I guess this was inevitable. It was only a matter of time before the LGBTQYXZ social justice warriors figured out that Detroit was French for “of the straits,” and even though “strait” in no way means the same thing as “straight,” who cares? Things that come alive on the Twitter make as much sense as an episode of Will & Grace, and don’t ask me to explain any of those. It’s 2018 and SJWs get results quickly:

The City Council met in an emergency session just hours after Mayor Duggan’s apologetic tweet, and voted unanimously to change the city’s name to 'D’efféminé.

Everything changes now. Well, not the Lions sucking at football. But most everything. D’efféminé will still make cars, but no more of those gas-guzzling pickups. We’ve done enough feeding of all that machismo in Warren. Suburban Ferndale is concerned about losing its residents, but that’s a topic for another day.

Vive l’apostrophé!

At least it still starts with a D. The locals won’t have to get rid of those weird English letters on their hats. But now that they have to get used to D’efféminé, Michigan. I wonder if they don’t need to update their headwear to reflect the more properly sensitive.... sensibilities with which the letter represents the city.

There were a few people who objected to the change. They called themselves "Don’t Take Our Troit", or DTOT for short.

They argued that: a) “of the straits” has nothing to do with heterosexuality, and isn’t even spelled the same; b) this is really, really stupid; and c) all those Canadians across the river are laughing their little dandy canuk asses off. The group spoke to WXYZ-TV to express its objections. The response to DTOT came swiftly in the form of a joint statement from General Motors, Ford, Chrysler, Blue Cross Blue Shield, the UAW and Mitch Albom. It said:

“We denounce in the strongest terms the bigotry and hatred of DTOT, which we can’t help but note could also stand for 'Donald Trump Our Thicky'. 

The D’efféminé community must come together and oppose all forms of hatred and intolerance, and if that requires members of DTOT to be thrown from the Ambassador Bridge, tolerance must be protected at all costs.”

On Friday night, the D’efféminé Tigers will host the Cleveland Indigenous Peoples for the first of a three-game series. We could not confirm at press time that Kid Rock will be sitting alongside Chief Wahoo at the game, but things happen quickly in D’efféminé, Michigan.

____________________________________

* Middle Finger News Service is a registered subsidiary of Diogenes' Middle Finger Inc. Ltd. RCC, RSVP, POD. Not to be confused with uppity, poorly done imitation fake news purveyors like CNN and MSNBC.  Middle Finger News brings you only the best and most honest REAL Fake News. We Stay Over The Target.  Accept No Imitations.  "Unamerican and Uncosmopolitan, Despicable Hooligans"....... John Kerry