A Good Monday Morning

This Guy Could Be Vice President Someday

I was truly touched after watching this hand fart rendition of Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence"

Huffington Post Seeks People Who Have Had Sex With Aliens

via Jim Romenesko.com

Summary: Sex with aliens

Name: David Moye The Huffington Post

Category: General

Email: query-2×59@helpareporter.net

Media Outlet: The Huffington Post

Deadline: 7:00 PM EST – 22 March

Query:

HuffPost journalist is doing a story about the concept of sex with aliens. Would like to speak with people who’ve had sex with aliens, UFO experts, biological experts who can discuss the potential problems of mating with a foreign species, psychological experts who have studied the phenomenon.

Requirements:

Looking for people familiar with the phenomenon of sex with aliens, considering all points of view skeptics and believers.

[Snip]

Don't Laugh! This activity has obviously been going on for decades.....

James Carville

Our Most Inspiring First Lady

But obviously not our most dignified...

Obama Sequester Strategy Revealed

CFIF

Thanks to a Freedom of Information Act request, the Center for Individual Freedom have been able to obtain exclusive documents from the White House related to the recent federal sequester cuts. In these documents, a member of the senior White House staff relays instructions for how Obama cabinet officials are to publicly portray the reductions in spending for their departments.

MEMO

FROM: Senior Staff

TO: Cabinet Secretaries

RE: Sequester Messaging:

Dear cabinet secretary OR unpaid intern who opens cabinet secretary’s mail while he snorkels with solar industry lobbyists in the Caymans.

Unfortunately, recent weeks have revealed that the intractability of Republicans in Congress will likely lead to sweeping cuts to the federal budget as of March 1. Needless to say, forcing the federal government to subsist on $3.5 trillion dollars a year represents an unprecedented exercise in austerity. Preparations are even being made to drop unlimited texting from ObamaPhones.

Over the coming weeks, the messaging of this topic will be extremely important. It is imperative that we let the American people know – in unambiguous terms – how severe the threat is. At times, this may require you to take a message to the public that represents a slight exaggeration of the actual circumstances. This will be done in the interest of the greater good of the American people. Should you have ethical objections, consider yourself welcome to explore your opportunities outside of the Obama Administration. Ask Jon Huntsman how that works out – if you can get a hold of him between the Rotary Club events he’s keynoting.

What follows are Department-specific advisories on both the actual cuts you face and the threatened cuts that you should present to the public:

Department of Justice:

Threatened Cuts: Releasing federal inmates (feel free to make vague “Silence of the Lambs” references); Dropping prosecutions of violent criminals; Converting over to Soviet-style show trials to ease judicial backlog.

Actual Cuts: Halving “Just for Men” budget for Attorney General Holder’s mustache.

Department of Education:

Threatened Cuts: Widespread teacher layoffs; Students forced to fashion own pencils out of lead slabs; Classes now held in forests full of starving wolves.

Actual Cuts: Teacher lounges forced to use Folger’s Crystals.

Department of Health and Human Services:

Threatened Cuts: Reduction in medical services for the chronically ill; Hospice care now provided by prisoners re-entering society; Reintroduction of leeches.

Actual Cuts: Flintstone’s chewable vitamins will no longer include Barney Rubble.

Read the Rest of the Cuts

A Good Monday Morning

Mattel Toy Co. Thinly Veiled Attack on the Human Race Itself

You’re going to thinking this is just such a cute little marketing campaign:

You watched that, right? You should. It’s insidious.

Here's the explanation, just in case you're a slow listener:

"Mattel (NASDAQ: MAT) is on an historic mission that will likely anger some of Wall Street’s favorite big caps. Mattel is trying to do away with the barbaric practice of chomping off bunny ears and instead have those little eargnashers (i.e. children) play with the toys from their Easter baskets. As their YouTube video explains, according to the good folks at the Endangered Chocolate Bunny Commission (ECBC) chocolate bunnies are near extinction."

Meanwhile, the guys at Hershey and Mars are overrun with the damned things!

Not to mention: we know that cute little bunnies are trying to destroy our modern transportation systems. And we know that cute little bunnies have been responsible for humanoid extinctions in the past.

So the question you have to ask yourselves is:

Why is Mattel trying to protect them? 

What do they have to gain?

 And how much did these celebrities get paid to sell out their own species?

Alex Jones where are you on this one man!!!!

h/t Trog

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