Powerball Redesigned for Obama Voters

Keeping up with declining math standards in the United States and the intelligence of the low information voter , Powerball today announced it has abandoned numbers and will instead use balls painted with 59 familiar colors and shapes.

Powerball’s new, less challenging system relies on visual recognition that avoids the brain’s math-adept parietal lobe in favor of the occipital lobe, which is used for lesser functions like watching television or updating your Facebook status. As a result, participants will be no longer pick from among 59 numbers, but will instead pick from among 59 commonly recognizable shapes, plus the “Powerball” shape, which instead of being one of 35 numbers, will be one of 35 contestants from “Celebrity Dancing with the Stars.”

 

While individual state lotteries are considering making the switch away from numbers. Florida officials said they have always adorned their game balls with a variety of straight and curved lines, until it was pointed out to them that those were in fact numbers.

Powerball spokesman Dan Mangenis denied the change is another step toward the dumbing down of America, and insisted it be viewed as a dumbing-up of Powerball.

“The truth is, numbers are hard for the low information voter.  You have to recognize them, put them in sequence, tell them apart from each other,” said Mangenis. “ I mean, we were using 59 numbers before. Fifty-nine! That’s not just one number; it’s two numbers put together – a five and a… another number.”

Lottery sales outlets also welcomed the change.

“I can’t tell you how many people came in here, handed me their cards and said their numbers matched because their card said P-o-w-e-r-b-a-l-l, too,” said Jack Portofino, who owns a convenience store in Akron, Ohio. “I had to explain that those were letters, not numbers. But the letters did match, so it was good they recognized that.”

MSNBC commentator, Rev. Al Sharpton immediately criticized the changes  as racist. He called the move "just a way to disenfranchise the African American gambler."  He went on to say "you don't see birds and MacDonald Signs in the ghetto. Bet you don't see Kanye West's face on no powerball ball."

Moments ago, the first drawing was held with the new system, which continues to use the term “numbers” on the theory that many players won’t be able to tell the difference. Tonight’s winning numbers are: bird, tree, smiley face, scissors, triangle, and the Powerball is Apolo Ohno.

Matthew's Weekend Commentary

The Lunatic's Asylum

Welcome to Zimbabwe, America...  

"Upon seeing this Mussolini-like pose, struck by a man, who much like it's originator, is also a shallow and hollow human being with few redeeming qualities, I find myself curiously in mind of an age old adage that goes something like this:

One bad apple does not spoil the whole bushel.

I do not know the origin of this phrase, and quite frankly it isn't all that important. However, it is necessary to view the events of the last five years through the prism of this quaint expression, for it is our curse to live in a day and age in which bad apples have become the norm and are hardly the exception.

When one looks at the metaphorical apples and bushels which represent the sum total of America's Obama Experience, it becomes apparent that old saw should be taken out of the lexicon, for it is now becoming a universal truism that today's seeming wisdom will, eventually, become tomorrow's stinking load of bullshit.

Strictly speaking, no decent chef on planet Earth would believe such a thing, that one rotten apple does not endanger those within close proximity. One need only a rudimentary understanding of basic food safety and hygiene (or simply watch any of Gordon Ramsey's infamous and tedious 'Save This Restaurant' mini-dramas) to know that one diseased fruit will eventually spread it's rot to another, rendering the entire batch unsuitable for consumption and poisoning all who partake of the bushel.

And although human beings are not apples, the truth of the Obama Administration has been that rot does, indeed, spread, whether we're talking fruit or people. For the Obama administration has been nothing if not a constant parade of proverbial bad apples.

It is an administration with bad apples in it's foundations, built upon the Clinton-era retreads who somehow manage to avoid jail and summary street execution. Whether it is the Hildebeest herself as Secretary of State, Rahm Emanuel as one-time Chief of Staff, or Eric Holder, the Attorney General who believes the law doesn't apply to his self-pitying self, the cavalcade of Clintonista bad apples was there from the beginning to taint whatever came after it. This should have been your first indication that something was terribly wrong.

 Of course, Obama brought his own bad apples with him, too..."

READ THE REST 

* Y'all Welcome Matthew Back After

An Extended Hiatus to Work on His New Novel.

Fishnet Friday

The 2012/2013 Nominees for Diogenes' Asshat of the Year

2011 Winner - Paul Krugman

Note:  There was no  Diogenes' Asshat of the Year award for 2012. Being a election year the field was way to wide to pick through a plethora of sleazy, lying, clueless, incompetent and corrupt candidates eligible for the title.

Another Note: I chose not to include Piers Morgan in my list as I thought it not proper to pick on such a clueless foreign dolt as Mr. Morgan. He is in a class of his own.

So without further ado, here are the nominees:

President Barack Obama: Odds on favorite and front runner. No surprise here. The “I didn’t know” community organizer in chief spoke to his Democratic liberal far left wing base, claiming there is no global war on Islamic terrorism and about closing the prison at Guantanamo Bay Cuba.  This ostrich-like, head in the sand, foreign policy speech that ignores radical Islamic fanatics was given to distract attention from the Benghazi cover-up; IRS targeting conservative and Tea Party non-profit groups; and the Department of Justice persecution of Associated Press (AP)/Fox News Channel scandals. We also spot him some points for Joe Biden.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney: He received the coveted 4-Pinocchio award from The Washington Post (not a conservative newspaper) Fact Checker on many occasions for defending the presidential scandals indicated previously.  He obviously took to heart the part in the job description about becoming a professional weasel, and he's good at it. It is rumored that the maker of Viagra has inquired as to how Mr. Carney’s nose keeps getting longer each time.

Attorney General Eric Holder: A recluse who has discovered the words “I recused myself” (same as I didn’t know) when it comes to the AP/Fox News Channel scandal. Then why did the AG personally sign off on the search warrant of Fox News Channel reporter James Rosen’s emails? Let’s also not forget the Fast and Furious gun walking scandal. Mr. Holder is one of the  crowning achievements of Affirmative Action.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: This politician who wants to be elected the first woman president in 2016 said “It was so long ago” referencing the September 11, 2012 date when the American Ambassador to Libya, an embassy staffer and two Special Forces operators were murdered.  Had the worst Secretary of State in history  broke a few lamps here and there around the world  like she did as first lady, we wouldn't be worrying about racial Islam so much.

UN Ambassador Susan Rice: The fabricated talking points about the Benghazi Embassy Islamic terrorist attack she was given to espouse on the Sunday talk shows were a charade to hide the incompetent Obama administration’s failed Islamic terrorism policy. Her subsequent arrogance to the American people daring to question being fed a load of bullshit by the Obama administration was an act to behold. I see a future for her in soap operas.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid: Speaking from the US Senate floor he blamed a 2.4% funds sequestration for causing people to die of cancer, contract athletes foot, water turning to blood, frogs, lice, flies, livestock disease, incurable boils, hail and thunder, locusts, darkness and death of the first-born.

Senators Chuck Schumer, Al Franken and Carl Levin: This gaggle of three Senators (Snoop, clueless and Poop) wrote a letter to the IRS asking this agency to investigate non-profit tax exempt Americans for Prosperity (AFP), Tea Party groups, Republicans, Diogenes Middle Finger and other right of center groups. Non-profit progressive, liberal and left groups were conspicuously absent from their correspondence. Oops!

Ex Governor Mark Sanford: Oh my God (sorry ACLU), a Republican among all these liberal Democrats! The good news is that a US House seat in South Carolina didn’t go Democratic. The bad news is that Mark Sanford is sitting in it. However, Mark has one and a half years in Congress till November 2014 to redeem himself for committing adultery, just like former President Bill Clinton!

Ex Congressman Anthony Weiner: The former congressman, who resigned from his seat after being embroiled in an uncovered wiener related scandal two years ago, announced he’s entering the New York City (NYC) mayoral race. He also said there could be women coming forward with more emails and photos of my hot wiener, but I’m going to try to keep being focused on issues that are important to NYC.  A survey of 49% of NYC voters indicates he’s gone soft and shouldn’t run!

IRS Official Lois Lerner: Invoked the Fifth Amendment to the US Constitution (not incriminating oneself) at a US House committee hearing, but not before saying in a statement that she had not done anything wrong or broken any laws. Sorry lady, you’re big mouth may have just legally screwed yourself. She had signed IRS letters improperly targeting Tea Party groups in 2012 asking them to turn over everything from printouts of their Facebook pages to the credentials of speakers who participated in their events. However, US taxpayers also got screwed as she has been suspended with pay.

Sarah Hall Ingram: Served as commissioner of the IRS office responsible for tax-exempt organizations involved in the current IRS scandal (2009 to 2012). Ms. Ingram has since left that section of the IRS and is now the director of the IRS’s “Affordable Care Act” office. Bend over and smile.

Journalist or Reverend or something, Al Sharpton: Let’s have a prayer (sorry ACLU) for both true journalists and real clergymen as Al is neither, but tries to inflame any situation by inserting himself into a news story and then asserts everything is due to “racism.” Al ordered a wiener (not Weiner) and it was served without mustard, calling the dark skinned, counter woman a racist.  Al missed his calling as a ghetto used car salesman. He's so good with words.

Obama's Image at Mt. Rushmore Completed

His Legacy Set in Stone.

Earl of Taint

Eyes Wide Shut and Circling the Drain

The Irish Times

"There have been calls for an urgent debate in the Dutch parliament about the integration of Muslim immigrants amid claims that one area of The Hague, known locally as “the Sharia triangle”, is being run by a form of unofficial Sharia police.

The claims relate to the district of Schilderswijk, about two kilometres from the city centre, where an almost entirely Muslim population of some 5,000 people surrounds the El Islam mosque, fuelling criticism that the government has failed to ensure a proper ethnic mix in schools and local housing. One recent investigation, in which local people were extensively interviewed, concluded that Schilderswijk had become “orthodox Muslim territory” which was now largely ignored by the city authorities, by politicians and even by the police, on the grounds that it had become self-regulating.

The investigation found that orthodox Muslims had become so dominant that they were dictating what people in the neighbourhood wore and how they behaved.

“The norms of the majority are beginning to take over,” it said.

In the case of women, dress was a particular issue. One woman told how her daughter had been approached and told her short skirt was inappropriate, while her son had been called a “kaffir” – a racist term formerly used in colonial South Africa to refer to a black person – for smoking. A youth who had previously been involved in local gangs said that criminality had dropped off, not because of the police, but because he and his friends were “afraid of the wrath of Allah”.

Another man said he felt he was gradually being driven out of his home because he had a dog, and many traditional Muslims tended not to keep or favour dogs.

A veiled Muslim woman, however, defended Islamic practices, and said dressing modestly would “do the locals good”. She pointed out that women in the Dutch ultra-conservative, largely Protestant, Bible Belt also wore long dresses, and that shops there were closed on Sunday – as many in Schilderswijk were on Fridays.

Local police chief Michel de Roos said: “We have no indications there is a form of Sharia police here. That is not to say it does not happen, but we are unaware of it.”
 

Get a Grip Europe. I Doubt We Will Shed Blood for You Again

 DiploMad2.0  

How Many Times do We have to Hear about the Peaceful 99% of Muslims?

I was--big mistake--reading CNN and BBC reporting on the Religion of Peace's activities in London and Stockholm when I saw that the benefits of Islam's Peaceful Activities also have made themselves manifest in Paris, where a French soldier has been stabbed. I love the cautious, oh so very delicate reporting by BBC on this latest demonstration of Love of Peace,

President Hollande also responded cautiously while on a visit to Ethiopia, telling reporters: "I do not think at this point that there may be a link" [with the London attack]

French reports said police were hunting a bearded man of North African origin about 30 years of age. He was wearing a light-coloured robe called a djellaba.

 "We still don't know the exact circumstances of the attack or the identity of the attacker, but we are exploring all options.

Oh yes, that description is undoubtedly of a Mormon missionary, or perhaps a Hasidic Jew or a slightly disheveled Amish tourist?

I also adore the breathless reporting (here and here, for example) re the alarming "rise" in anti-Muslim "attacks." Note the source for the reports and take a grain of salt, a spoonful would be better, then let me know how many Muslims have been beheaded on the streets of London in the middle of day. How about zero for a number? How many Muslim immigrants in the UK are packing up, turning in their assistance cards, and moving back to Nigeria, Pakistan, Morocco, Bangladesh, etc? I'll bet that zero number remains a pretty accurate estimate for that, too.

 I enjoy reading the comments from readers around the world on the BBC and CNN stories. There, and elsewhere, we see another number, a rather tired one: the "statistic" that "99% of Muslims" are not terrorists. Is that true? I don't know. From where does that number come? I don't know. Let's, however, go along with the gag. Let's assume it is accurate, and come up with our own equally valid "99%" statistics. Some samples follow; I am sure you can turn this into a drinking game--but not around Muslims because drinking offends them (unless they are Saudi diplomats in Islamabad).

 Did you know that,

-- 99% of the Japanese did not attack Pearl Harbor?

-- 99% of the Nazis did not kill Jews or Gypsies, or invade Poland?

-- 99% of the Communists did not engage in Stalin's or Mao's purges?

-- 99% of the Germans killed in Dresden had never bombed England?

-- 99% of the Italians did not invade Ethiopia?

-- 99% of the Iranians did not occupy the US embassy in Teheran?

 -- 99% of the Al Qaeda membership did not fly airplanes into the World Trade Center or the Pentagon?

 And so on, and on, and so what? What does that "99%" prove? Just one thing: There are consequences in the real world to belonging to organizations or following ideologies and leaders that commit atrocities. That's the way it works. If 99% of Muslims are not terrorists, and do not support terrorism (that's the big "if") where are they? Why can't they control the crazies and murderers and rioters in their midst? If they can't they will find that they might just pay the price, even if they did not pull the trigger, or drop the cyanide gas. The Germans and the Japanese discovered that during World War II.

We see Britain's foolish PM Cameron making the typical foolish Western politician statement after the murder of the young British soldier (and let's not forget he is just following in the path of nonsense about Islam blazed by our own President Bush),

"This was not just an attack on Britain and on the British way of life, it was also a betrayal of Islam and of the Muslim communities who give so much to our country. There is nothing in Islam that justifies this truly dreadful act."

No, Mr. Prime Minister. Everything in Islam justifies this truly dreadful act and so many more. That is why the "99%" cannot condemn, isolate, or punish the murderers. That violence, that "extremism" is Islam; that is the real item. We need to deal with that hard and unpleasant fact. Islam has not gone through an enlightenment, and what "reformation" has taken place has moved it backwards, ever deeper into the thinking prevalent in the dark ages and places from whence it came.