Showing posts with label Election satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Election satire. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Y'all Get A Grip. Joe Is Just A Hands-On Kind Of Guy

Okay, y'all take deep breath and have a coke and a snickers bar or something. The Joe Biden bashing lately has been gettin' outta hand. You people do know doctors have cracked open Joe's head twice, and there is a rumor his hair plugs were planted way too deep. We're lucky he even remembers to put on his pants everyday. Besides, Joe is 76 years old people. There is this thing called elderly abuse, ya know? Even the lovely Mika, from 'Squinty & Meat Puppet in the Morning', and the Cackling Hens of 'The View' agree that Joe is "Just a Hands-On Type Guy".

I'll tell you who don't know this, I've worked for years now with many old Jazz and Blues musicians Joe's age or older, and if they aren't trying to give me a lil' peck on the cheek or trying to grab my ass once and a while, I'd think one of two things. 1) they aren't feeling well or  2) they're mad at me. Either way, not good.

But what has shocked me to the bone, that even after being so hands off and respectful for eight whole years to our first Gay Black President, Barky Obama and his elegant First Lady Mike, that we on the right are being accused of photoshopping fakes images and making fun of Joe Biden for being the creepy MoFo we all know he is.! I'm shocked! And disappointed. And according to the Daily Caller, Biden’s team is now pushed back on allegations of sexual misconduct on Monday by blaming “right wing trolls” for circulating out-of-context photographs.
“These smears and forgeries have existed in the dark recesses of the internet for a while. And to this day, right wing trolls and others continue to exploit them.”
So, "the dark recesses of the internet"are we now?  These people have no shame. But as I say now, and will continue to say, y'all go easy on Joe. We all need to show him the same respect we did as we when he was our beloved Vice President.

Joe Biden Tells a Disposable Enema Manufacturers Convention How on a Trip To Chile the 
Secret Service  Super-Glued His Finger Together So No One Could Obtain His Fingerprints

~ Thank You MJA@IOTWReport  and WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

The Power of Unity

Trump Supporter And Clinton Supporter Hold Each Other’s Hair While Vomiting 
Out Of Election Anxiety

If this doesn’t prove what’s beautiful about America, we don’t know what does.  Politically, Sarah Goodwin and Colleen Cassidy agree on almost nothing. They vehemently oppose the other’s candidate of choice and couldn’t differ more on the direction our country should be heading in. Yet, as this heatedly divisive election cycle comes to a head, these two demonstrated just how powerful a united American people can be when we put our differences aside and work together: Sarah, a Trump supporter, and Colleen, a Clinton supporter, held each other’s hair back while vomiting out of intense election anxiety.

In a campaign season as contentious as this one, you really have to stop and appreciate moments like this.  LOL!

Saturday, July 30, 2016

MFNS Uncovers Lost Hillary Clinton Interview Clips

Middle Finger News has gone to great lengths to uncovered surviving clips of a  Hillary Clinton  interview with Bulgarian State Television believed to have been lost for years. The short clips are from early 1992, about the time Bill Clinton was falling badly in the New Hampshire primary polls, the Gennifer Flowers affair had come to light and hopes of Hillary's chances of becoming First Lady, or any future in politics seemingly being dashed. 

The interview, shot on state of the art Russian 8mm film was believed to have been destroyed during the tragic nationwide Bulgarian sewer overflow. But even after the 1992 election of Bill Clinton as 42nd President, rumors persisted of frames that survived.   

Friday, March 4, 2016

Jersey Fat Guy Squashes Rumors He's Being Held Hostage in Donald Trump's Basement

After it appeared like he was being told to get his ass back on the plane after introducing Donald Trump at a campaign event, this may be the moment Chris Christie’s political career strapped on cement shoes and drowned itself in the river:
"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie on Thursday addressed those who mocked his stone-faced expression during a press conference on Super Tuesday. 
“No, I wasn’t being held hostage,” Christie said at a press conference in New Jersey."
We're going to file that clarification right along with Yeb Bush’s campaign having to explain that Yeb tweeting a picture of a gun with his name on it was not  a desperate cry for help, though it’s easy to see how so many could assume, jokingly (or maybe seriously!). Humiliating. Embarrassing. And even sadder still.

Earlier this week, the New Hampshire Union Leader, which had endorsed Christie when he was still running for president, published an editorial saying boy, that sure was a mistake, and it regrets the error. Then everyone in New Jersey, including all of its liberal commie rag newspapers, demanded Christie resign to spend more time stuffing his face with nachos and vitamins. So Christie, who is still allegedly the governor of the state, held a press conference to further disgrace himself.

We don't know if we should take Christie at his word, though. Denying that he is Trump’s hostage is exactly what Trump would force him to say if he were Trump’s hostage, isn’t it?

Gov. Christie, if Trump is still keeping you locked up in his classy basement, only allowing you into the light to appear on TV and say nice things about Trump, next time blink twice and use the safe word. How about “salad”? 

If you say “salad,” we’ll definitely get the message.

Thank You MJA for the Linkage!

Saturday, February 27, 2016

In Spurious Defense of Donald J.Trump

By Conrad Stankie III
Capital Improvements Coordinator
Middle Finger News Service HQ. NY.

Donald Trump is a great American. In the past nine months, he has done a masterful job of uniting millions of Americans from all different backgrounds, admittedly mostly by uniting them in their deep hatred and fear of Donald Trump. But that’s simply because they’ve not gotten to know him the way I have.

If only he had more TV exposure, then people would see the light.

I know all about the trash talking dished at The Donald. Unflattering slurs, like he’s a narcissist, a racist, a sexist, that he often insults people using coarse language unsuitable for a serious presidential candidate, that he lashes out at anyone who dares say a negative word about him, that he has a hair-trigger temper, that he is unpredictable and mentally unstable, and that he flaunts his wealth every chance he gets. And these are just his supporters talking. Don’t get me started about his detractors.

But these attacks are unfair. The Donald Trump I know is one to admire. Listen to my heartfelt defense of the man, who, God willing, will be the next President of this great nation.

Claim: Trump is not fit to be President. This is
totally untrue. He is every bit as fit to be our next
President as any other flamboyant reality star. In
fact, he'd crush 'Jersey Shore's Snookie' hands 
down in a head to head race for the White House.
Unfair. So he has a healthy opinion of his own point of view. So he harps on how he’s greater than everybody else. So he flaunts all the properties he owns worldwide. So he brags about how tough he is and how he’s the best deal maker since Thomas Jefferson engineered the Louisiana Purchase from France. So he likes to blow his own TRUMPet. Does that make Trump a narcissist?

I happen to know for a fact that you bragged to your dad about your third place ribbon in your middle school science fair. Do you see me calling YOU a narcissist?

Did it ever occur to you that just maybe underneath all of Trump’s bravado, there is a fragile little boy begging to be loved? That all of his braggadocio may be masking the excruciating pain of not having any friends as a young boy, or ever? No, I didn’t think so. You’re so heartless.

Sure, Donald Trump has a lot of money, no doubt about it. But he made his billions the old fashioned way, by starting off with millions, specifically inheriting a 2 million dollar stake in his father’s real estate empire. But that’s all he got and not a penny more. Think about it. $2 million couldn’t even buy a major league baseball team these days. And when you do the math, $2 million is a lot closer to ZERO dollars than it is to a billion. So if you round down, in a way he started out almost penniless.

It is true that he owns a fair number of properties, after all, his career was in real estate. He’s owned Trump Park, Trump Towers, Trump Plaza, Trump Casinos in Atlantic City and Las Vegas, approximately 14 golf courses all featuring the Trump name, a fleet of Trump helicopters and his own Boeing 757, Trump One. Okay, so he’s not very original when it comes to naming things. Or humble.

In reality, there are really only two occasions when Trump discusses his enormous wealth: When he is being televised – and when he’s not. In fairness, he only brings up his long list of resorts and office towers to attract well-endowed women in their twenties to do a photo op with him, usually at the opening of a Hooters restaurant. Either that or to point out how many jobs he’s provided for thousands of people – of which many are only slightly above the minimum wage (but don’t worry,  they’re most likely held by Mexican immigrants – who will soon be shipped back to Mexico, opening the door for real Americans to take back these jobs)

Claim: Trump is a Sexist: Totally Untrue. In fact
in a poll of 1000 young, struggling, unemployed
actresses who were asked: Who would you prefer
to marry, Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders? -
Trump won by 82%
Pul-lease. No man in America respects women more than Donald Trump. I dare you to name another presidential candidate who cares more about America’s sexiest models than The Donald. He cares about them so much he even married one.

It’s possible that on one or two (hundred) occasions, Trump may have referred to women as bimbos, dogs, fat pigs, slobs, or disgusting animals, and has at times said things in interviews like “a young and a beautiful ass is all a woman needs to be successful in life.

But he was taken out of context. For example, the complete quote was this: “I love the ladies. And I probably should not say that a young and beautiful ass is all a woman needs to be successful in life. The microphone’s not on, is it?”  See? A simple misunderstanding.

Simply not true. The fact is Donald Trump is all about family. He may be one of the most family-oriented men ever to run for the White House. In fact, he loves family so much, he’s gotten married three times. And none of the presidential candidates has worked harder than Donald Trump to keep Mexican families together, where they belong, with each other, in Mexico. 

It is true that on one occasion, Donald Trump referred to Mexican immigrants as “criminals and rapists.” But he was only referring to the 90% of Mexican immigrants he believes are dangerous thugs. If asked, he will quickly tell you that the other 10% are composed of people who are absolutely NOT criminals and rapists, although they do tend to be unreliable parents, slackers at work, and cheap tippers, according to the Donald. 

As for Muslims, Donald will be the first (and only) person to tell you unapologetically that Muslims love him. Millions of Americans misinterpreted his words when he proclaimed that we should keep all Muslims out of America. He was only acting out of concern for their own safety. He was trying to keep them safe from the rampant gun violence on America’s streets by keeping them safe at home in the neighborhoods of Syria and Iraq, protected by American drone strikes.

Ridiculous. I’m sick and tired of flimsy attacks, usually lobbed by Harvard psychologists who are experts on personality disorders,  that Donald Trump might somehow be mentally and emotionally unstable to hold the most important job in the world. First of all, he held the top job on The Apprentice, and that show did quite well in the ratings for several years. 

Trump’s critics argue that, with his mercurial temper and tendency to lash back at anyone who is critical of him, it would only be a matter of time before Trump presses the button to start a nuclear war against Russia, perhaps in response to Putin posting a nasty comment about him on Twitter. First of all, Trump is not nearly that volatile. It would undoubtedly take at least a couple of dozens negative tweets before he would ever even consider pushing the button. And besides, I am sure, that if The Donald decided to declare WWIII against Russia, or Iran or Norway for that matter,  they probably had it coming. The Norwegian ambassador should have known better than to make a snarky joke about Trump’s hair.

So please keep an open mind about Donald Trump. He can’t possibly be the worst person ever to be elected President. That honor would go to Millard Fillmore.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Proof Positive......

h/t Broadside Betty

Monday, June 4, 2012

Golden Girl Makes V.P. Short List

EXCLUSIVE: Betty White on Short List for V.P 

Middle Finger News Service- Insiders in the Romney campaign, (who shall remain anonymous) tells us that Mitt Romney has chosen America's most favorite elderly white-haired comedienne Betty White to be on the short list as his running mate. 

Romney and White Talk Politics over Cream Cake
 Sources told us:
"We felt that it was important for Mitt to pick an individual who would generate a favorable buzz and a limited amount of controversy, and frankly I think he's done that. After all, is there anyone out there who isn't a fan of Betty White these days? She's adorable and  Mitt thinks she'll make a great Vice President. Not only that, but if Betty White were to make a bizarre or  inappropriate statement, like telling the media where to get off, people will laugh and cheer instead of cringing and holding their breath the way they do whenever Joe Biden opens his mouth."
The source noted that it will not be easy to get White on board as VP. The actress's career has been experiencing a resurgence since the early years of 2000; she has been in talks to host another upcoming episode of Saturday Night Live. As one adviser told us, the general consensus on both sides of the aisle is that Betty White is more likable than Sarah Palin and also better at reading cue-cards, and next to Biden would sound like an intellectual giant. 

But as one Romney critic pointed out:
"Betty White is also 90 years old and a registered Democrat. But I guess after Obama's performance, why would she want to be anymore?"
What she would bring to the ticket remains to be seen, and the fact her name is 'White' won't set well with some minority voters. 
"If Mitt wants Betty White for VP, he was going to get her if he can. Every time we voiced our reservations, he just starts quoting that muffin sketch she did on Saturday Night Live that everyone loves."
"Betty White's no politician, but she's a ballsy Lady and got her head on straight, more or less. If Romney wants a candidate who could be a flat-out total nightmare, I suppose he could go with Ann Coulter ."