Great Moments in History #14

  

On this day in 1964...

To counter the onslaught of the sixties British Music Invasion, legendary rock band 'Newman, Davis, Mitchum, Martin & Garner' was formed as music's first "Super Group". Gigs were raucous and far between, and the band finally disbanded to spend time on solo careers and film projects. Their ground breaking formula has been followed successfully many time since. Band members privately blamed the groups demise on the  refusal of Frank Sinatra to join the project after insisting on he be lead singer, and which kind of hats would be worn. 

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Memo: For Immediate Release....

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From the Land of Obscurity.....

*EXCLUSIVE: Keith Olbermann Surfaces*

Reports from inside satellite channel 'Current TV ' say the new star of the network, former MSNBC flame thrower Keith Olbermann,  has been taking on random duties for his boss Al Gore while awaiting the still unscheduled airing of his new prime time show. 

Mr. Olbermann is seen here greeting guest at the Gore mansion at an Academy Award night dinner party Al Gore held for his celebrity and politician friends two weeks ago in California. 

It's been rumored for some time from the underside of the Current TV network operation that Mr. Olbermann has been required to take "extensive masseur training" as part of his contract obligations insisted on by Mr. Gore at the time of his hiring at the network. We are not quite sure why or what it has to do with Mr. Olbermanns new upcoming show.

Olbermann's new gig has been kept under tight raps, but is said to have been given a solid positioning in the lineup between the shows 'Kill It, Cook It, Eat It ' and 'Cooking in the Danger Zone '. 

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Clinton: We're Going With the Winning Side.

The U.S. State Department issued its strongest message to date about the developing situation in the Middle East by making absolutely clear their intentions "to stand by whichever side winds up winning". 

President Obama joined Secretary of State Hillary Clinton at the press conference where she made clear, "We are vigilantly standing on the sidelines and offering the strongest possible monitoring of events from a distance.”
The pro-winning-side message, articulated by Secretary Clinton, was intended to send a clear signal that the United States is willing to put all of its power, might and prestige on the line as soon as matters are settled.

The President, speaking without the luxury of a teleprompter stumbled through a repeat of Clinton's statement and added “ Uh......The administration backs  Secretary Clinton’s mixed message...uh ...one hundred percent.”  The President then went on to apologize to the owners of a middle eastern restaurant down the street from the White House for any perceived  hostile posturing by the U.S.  

Secretary Clinton seemed to rule any possible change in policy concerning the present situation in the future, “We will remain consistent in our policy of issuing meaningless statements at random intervals.”

 Clinton also strongly urge dictators to resist the temptation to pass power on to their sons buy reminding them: “If that had happened on ‘The West Wing,’ that would have been Charlie Sheen.”

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Joe Biden Performs at 2011 Grammy Awards

 V.P. shows he still has the moves 

as guest dancer for Eminem

Los Angeles - Conspicuously absent from all the administrations statements on the resent events of the middle east, Joe Biden surfaced last night at the 2011 Grammy Awards to perform in the dance troop of legendary rapper Eminem. The Vice President had not been seen in public all last week because of intense workouts and dance rehearsals in a secret location in Los Angeles.

The Vice President told the music press last night that Eminem was not his only chance to dance at the Grammys this year. His first offer came from the rising star "Lady GaGa", but never considered the offer seriously because he said, "that little girl really really creeps me out".

Known by former congressional colleagues by the nickname "The Shoe", Biden once admitted he always secretly wished as a kid that he was Ginger Rogers. Biden was also seen at an after show party kicking back  scotch and sodas with big bucks democrat supporter and fellow  Grammy show performer, Barbara Streisand and her husband...what's his name. Biden was over heard telling his secret service guy "the ol' gal can still sing, but geez, have you ever seen that much makeup in one spot in your life?"   

When asked by a reporter if he was ever invited to rap with Eminem, Biden said no, and he  probably wouldn't be any good it because his mouth tends to outrun it's supply line.  Biden is expected back in Washington early today to conduct two 3rd grade field trips coming to visit the White House. 

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And Now a Word From Charlie Sheen.......

You've got wars, famines, Egypt about to burn to the ground, Alec Baldwin threatening to run for congress, crazyass muslims running around cutting peoples heads off and a world class boob running your country, and all you people are talking about is my bullshit! 

That's pathetic! - Charlie Sheen

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Joe Biden on the Unrest in the Mideast. And as Usual, Joe is Right on Top of it.

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Obama Spends Evening Rehearsing State of the Union.....Jobs, Spending and a Little Whining Again Expected to be Centerpiece.

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Chief Justice Roberts sites conflict with Supreme Court's regular Tuesday poker night......Justices may not attend. 

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Obamas have Chinese for Dinner

President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama host

a State Dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao.

  
(Washington DC) - After a day of an embarrassing press conference and being rolled like the light weight amateur the world has come to know, Barry and Michelle got swanked up and did the one thing besides vacationing they are really good at, throwing a great dinner party for dignitaries.  

Hollywood luminaries, former secretaries of state, corporate titans, human rights activists, ex-presidents with dictator fetishes and those who gave large cash donations to Obamas presidential campaign were invited to attend. They included actress Barbra Streisand and her husband....whats his name, designer Vera Wang, Vogue editor Anna Wintour, cellist Yo-Yo Ma and his sister Yo-Yo Mama, skater Michelle Kwan, artist Maya Lin and action film star Jackie Chan among others. 

As tradition dictates, President Obama and Hu exchanged toasts.
Obama saluted the people of both countries. "May they grow together in friendship. May they prosper together in peace."

 Hu raised his glass to a "stronger friendship between the people of China and the United States, because we basically own you now." 

Vice President Biden gave a toast on behalf of the American people to the Chinese president in which he declared " as we move forward together in history as friends, we hold no hard feelings toward China, no need to apologize for that Pearl Harbor thing." 
  
Shortly after the dinner was over many of the attendees were heard commenting that they were hungry again. 

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MSNBC Warns Changing Programing could Spell Disaster for Network.

"It's About Angry Rhetoric

That's What We're all About!"

Public calls for a reduction in hate filled and inflammatory political rhetoric on cable news networks have plunged the MSNBC News Channel into utter chaos.  A spokesperson warning that such a move could leave the network with pretty much all 24 hours to fill.  

Network spokeperson Shadow Pierson-Finkelroy said not to underestimate the giant hole this would create in their programing. “MSNBC without inflammatory rantings would be like The Weather Channel without maps."  The network has been in a tooth and nail battle with CNN at the bottom of the cable news ratings. 

 Ms. Pierson-Finkelroy said MSNBC was preparing for a “worst-case scenario” in which it is pressured to air responsible statements in place of its current bias flame throwing programming. She said "if it comes to that God forbid, we'll just have to air 24 hours of Seinfeld.”  

 In contrast with Ms.Pierson-Finkelroy's alarming  comments, one of MSNBC's most inflammatory hired mouthpieces, Special Ed Schultz took the news of a possible programming change in stride: “If I’m kicked off the air, I’ll just return to my first love: standing in the back of crowded theaters and yelling at people." 

 But commentator Keith Olbermann was less enthusiastic about the new call for tempered rhetoric: “I finally mustered the courage and got a Obama tattoo like Matthews and now this!  And for the first time in my life I won't have anything to write on my hand.” Chris Matthews and Lawrence O'Donnell both took the news badly and were heard ranting and raving in the parking garage about it was all Dick Chenney's fault and that they had friends in high places that won't be happy about all this!  Also MSNBC's resident sexually confused commentator Rachael Madow, told ZipWad Magazine, if forced off the air he wouldn't know what to do with all the goofy glasses he wears on air, but was sure he looked sufficiently gay enough to get a job at "The Gap" if need be. 

 

In other cable news developments, CNN confirmed that it was considering dropping Kathleen Parker from its “Parker Spitzer” program, but said it had balked at Elliot Spitzer’s suggestion of “a different woman every night.”

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If I May Be So Bold......

As I look over my notes and scribbled post-its from the past year, I can't help but believe I was a bit remiss by not offering a little advice and insight to the Rich, Powerful and Famous of our society.  Being busy and all, I just totally forgot to give em a call. These things happen! 

So that I don't fall into that shameful pool of forgetfulness again this year, I have decided to go ahead and give them a little piece of my mind early in hope that I can help them achieve that happy and  successful new year nirvana we all strive for.

This is far from my complete list:
To President Obama: Yo Man, go pick up a leadership training course at the local Barnes and Noble or something. Blaming Republicans for your failures (and there are many) isn't the sign of a great leader. And please, get a pair of golf pants and quit wearing those friggin shorts when you play. Flip-flops and shorts ain't presidential either.....know what I'm sayin? 

To Nancy Pelosi: Take a hard look at your performance as Speaker of the House, Lady. I know what you think you did, but what you did was to alienate a lot of people, including in your own party. And your lame excuses and stupid comments ("We have to pass the bill to know what's in it.") insults the intelligence of average Americans.  But at least you got the menu changed in the House cafeteria.  

To Harry Reid: Count your blessings little man . You dodged an electoral bullet this past November and by all accounts, you haven't earned your position as Senate Majority Leader, but you survived. The next time, you may not be so lucky. Not every Republican is Sharron Angle.

To John Boehner: Congratulations to you Sir!
I ask you pay attention to the TEA Party movement and bring the Republican Party back to its small government roots. What has happened over the past two years isn't a fluke. Believe me on this one.

To Sarah Palin: Not a fan, don't think you're a winner. BUT.......you are probably the most valuable conservative since Regan and can be a King and Queen maker if you choose. With people from both sides attacking you, learn to pick your battles.  You don't have to respond to them all. Most of the attacks are nonsense anyway. And, if you ever decide to go cougar, I'll be the first in line!

To George Soros: Hope you resolve to spend more of your money trying to take down Glenn Beck. That way you lose even more money on another futile effort, of which you seemed to enjoy doing these days. I hear land is really cheap around the Mexican border nowadays.

To Lady Gaga: I know I speak for a lot of people when I say, we've seen all this before and you really should apologize to  Madonna for stealing her her shtick, circa 1990. 

To Sean Hannity, Dude, expand your horizons to pick up more than six basic talking points to repeat every day and to use other guests than your usual ten who you seem to have on every week for one reason or another. Seriously. 

To the MSNBC network: Just kept doing what you're doing. 
It won't be long now!

To Janet Napolitano: Why you are the Secretary of anything is beyond me! You couldn't even secure the borders of your own state as governor.....and sending DHS agents to the Gulf Coast to oversee the oil spill? Lady, you're a long way from competent. Read the Constitution. It clearly states what your first duty to do is.

To Joy Behar: I never thought anyone could make Roseanne Barr sound intelligent, till you came along. Hey, you and Alec Baldwin should run for King and Queen of NY. Watching you trying to keep a crown planted on that pointed head of yours would be more entertaining than anything your involved in now!

To America's enemies around the world: Remember, we have an election coming up in 2 years, and if current trends continue, you won't have Obama helping you by being incompetent.

To America's allies around the world:  Remember, we have an election coming up in 2 years, and if current trends continue, you won't have to put up with Obama's incompetence for much longer..........We apologize for the inconvenience. 

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Just in Time for the 112th Congress

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"Forrest and Barack together fight the Fascist Tea Baggers and evil Republicans in Congress to save the Union......." "Magnificent!...." "Greatest Epic since Reds" - Roger Ebert

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"Restores our faith in Amerika." 5 Stars- The Nation Magazine

  

"A masterpiece of film-making and a magnificent vision of the struggle  for the country over the Right-Wing Conspiracy that threatens the entire existence of mankind on this planet and the universe. Bravo! "- The Daily Kos.

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President's Private Documents Discovered in White House Dumpster.

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec.27th, 2010

Contained in brown paper bag thrown over
the transom at Diogenes' Headquarters 

 

Click Image for Larger View

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Michelle Obama’s Christmas List.

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec. 23, 2010
via Parkway Rest Stop

PRS Operatives have managed (Don’t ask) to get a copy of Mrs. Obama’s letter to Santa. Enjoy.

Dear Santa,
I’ve been a really, really good girl this year, if for no other reason than I have managed not to strangle that arrogant, whiny, girlie man that I’m married to. I thought that I wood let you know what I wood like for Christmas. I am confidint that you will leve me these things, because, although my husband may be an arrogant, whiny, girlie man, he could federalize your operation with the stroke of a pen. Keep that in mind, Fatso.

Here goes:

1. Belts, lots of belts — wide belts. You know, the ones that separate my boobs from my ass. Everyone says that my belts are very slimming (even though I don’t really need slimming).

2. A hula hoop. I am a kickass hula hooper and a woman of the Peeps. Just ask any one of my dozens of staff members.

3. When you come by, could you puh-leeze take that pissass dog away with you on the sleigh. He always barks at my mama and shits in my shoes. The Secret Service guys like him, but I hate him

4. Twinkies, Devil Dogs and some killer éclairs. Please wrap these in plain brown wrapper and leave them in the cabinet under the sink. Know what I’m sayin?

5. Could you please hit that Smartass Suzette on the head with a flaming meteorite? I’m tired of redding the terribel things she says about me. If you can’t do the meteorite thing, please leave some reindeer shit under her tree.

6. I really would like a tutu and ballet shoes. People tell me that I look like a ballerina and that I’d look really, totally hot in a tutu. I’d like the tutu in something purple and yellow (sequins would make it really special) and the shoes in size 13 EEEE.

7. I also could use a new – what the hell is it called? – A nine iron, or some shit (Pardon my French,Santa). You see, one day, Himself was bitching and moaning about Fox News and Mama said, “Yo, Bitch! You sound like a big pussy with all that whinin’ ‘n shit!” (Pardon my mama’s French, Santa). She smacked him upside his head with the club and broke it. He tells me he really needs a new one, because he has a golf date with a bunch of Kenyans. Friggin’ Kenyan relatives of his … they show up here at the White House and wipe their asses on the sheets. What the hell was I thinking when I married this mutt? 

8. I’d love a Sarah Palin wig hat. I figure that would get a rise out of Himself.

9. A few Poppers. I hear Himself and that slobbering jackwad Barney Frank talk on the phone about them, but I’m not sure what there are. Please leave me a package so I can see what the hell they are talking about. I somehow don’t think they are party favors.

10. Oh, and could you please find all those people who put my picture on the internet next to the picture of that damned Wookie and leve their sorry asses a lump of coal!. I’m totally freakin hot and those rat bastards know it. Hell, Janet Napolitano once grabbed my ass, and she doesn’t grab just any old ass.

Thanks, Santa.

Reguards,
Your pal (i.e. BFF)
Michelle

P.S. I left some sweet ‘tater pie on the counter (mama made it). Hep yourself.

Thank You Doug Ross for linking.
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Just a Gay Ol' Time in the Ranks

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec. 22, 2010

     "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Overturned

Today President Obama signed the law overturning the Clinton era "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, thereby ordering the Pentagon to stop banning openly gay men and women from serving in the military. The law had barred homosexual acts in the military but allowed gay men and women to serve in the armed forces so long as they keep their sexual orientation private. No adverse affects are expected from the change in military policy.

Marine PFC Butch Crotch and his partner Seaman Dan Chokes
 celebrate the signing by firing a 50 caliber gun off the bow 
of a submarine tender soon to be renamed 
the "USS Barney Frank"

 

Open celebrations of the signing by gay personnel  broke out 

all over American Military Installations worldwide Wednesday.

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Dog Population Waits Anxiously

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec. 21, 2010

There is Still Unfinished Business 

"I would love to get Michael Vick in the future and  think it would be a big step for me in the rehabilitation process", a Virginia Beach pit bull told a local newspaper.  Several dogs have expressed interest in owning Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick. 

Vick, who spent 18 months in federal prison for running a dog-fighting ring, recently expressed a desire to have a dog again. It’s a reunion that many dogs welcome. 
 
 “He served his time, has expressed regret and that’s very important,” said a muscular pit bull, pacing outside Vick’s Philadelphia residence. “But as far as the dog community goes? There is still unfinished business. So, sure, if he’d like to get back together, we are all for it. Name the time and place. We’ll be there waiting.
  
 ”A PETA spokesman, says the organization is staunchly opposed to Vick being around dogs again. “We support animals at every turn,” she said. “But we are also not anti-human. And we’re pretty sure any dog would go for the throat if Michael Vick were to get near it. We’re just trying to help him out here."

"I even know of teacup poodles who said they’d take him out.”

Those close to Vick are advising him to reconsider.

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You Knew it Would Happen Eventually

Posted by Diogenes Scarcastica
Dec.18th, 2010

Facebook Surpasses Masturbation

PALO ALTO, CAL.(SatireWire) - In yet another sign of its growing dominance, Facebook today announced it has surpassed masturbation as the world’s most popular way to kill 10 minutes. In response, Twitter claimed it has surpassed premature ejaculation as the most disappointing way to spend 5 seconds.

 “While our goals are the same, if you look at the numbers, our users spend more time on our service than most people spend on their own… service,” LaBrega said. “Of course we have 99 percent up-time, which masturbation can’t match.”

The news coincides with the naming of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg as Time magazine’s “Person of the Year.” LaBrega called the timing a coincidence, but industry observers speculate it may be part of Facebook’s long-rumored goal of supplanting masturbation itself as the ultimate distraction.“First there’s the Time cover, the way you can only see Zuckerberg’s face, not his hands, and he’s just staring off into space,” said TechCrunch editor Nelson Schable. “I think we all know that look. Or we’re lying if we say we don’t.”

Then there is the onanistic terminology Facebook uses, Schable continued. “Some of it’s obvious, like how you can ‘tag yourself’ in photos, or ‘post your news on the wall.’ And look at Farmville, at some of the ribbons you try to win. I mean, ‘Knock on Wood?’ ‘Cream of the Crop?’ ‘Lord of the Plow?’
 
LaBrega insisted that Facebook does not claim to be an alternative to masturbation, although she did concede that staring at your computer all day can make you go blind.

In another response to Facebook’s claim, business networking site LinkedIn refused to make any  comparisons, but noted its CEO is named Jeff Weiner.

SatireWire.com 

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Sainthood Put on Hold

Posted by Publius Minimus
Dec.8, 2010 

  
The Vatican Hesitates  on Shortcut  

 (Rome) A Vatican spokesman said today that reports of the proposed Sainthood for U.S. president, Barack Obama having been shelved for now are indeed true, but his Holiness the Pope  will review it again in about five or ten years. The Holy See has decided to review it at a much later date on order to see if Mr. Obama can pull off a few extra miracles, besides the one of himself getting elected. 

 Aides to Obama have begun intense investigation to find  if there were any previous deeds that Obama has done in the past that could coincide with the requirements of the Vatican.  

 Obama Clearly Seen Miraculously Floating Among  
 Competitors During a Recent Basketball Game 

    

Witness claims of previous miracles his staff have uncovered for consideration include Susan Bobelheid, an NBC reporter's claim of Obama miraculously turning a 73% voter approval rating in 2008 into 38% today.  And CNN reporter Biff Spittle says no one can deny a miracle when watching Obama dazzle audiences with his teleprompter reading skills.   

Mboto Chunka, a New York City cab driver also claims Obama actually hailed a cab and was picked up in all-white Bensonhurst, NY.  

 The Vatican has promised to research all claims of miraculous acts performed by Obama and will issue a white paper report in the year 2020, though some believe it could be as early as 2019. 

 FOX News commentator Bill O'Reily even offered his support by claiming, “If his party wins anything in the next election, that would be a real miracle.”

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Hillary Clinton to U.S. Diplomats: STFU

Posted by Diogenes Sarcastica
Dec 6, 2010

Secretary of State Orders Diplomats to Stop Being Truthful Until Further Notice

(Washington D.C.) The massive fallout from the last weeks WikiLeaks disclosures has prompted the State Department to take drastic measures to insure the safety of communications and cables between it's embassies and Washington. Among the steps to be taken  is  all U.S. diplomats are ordered to “cease and desist telling the truth until further notice."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has told reporters off the record they are working to try to make sure that leaks like these don't happen again, but until we they have got the leaks plugged, it’s incumbent on all our diplomats to put on their lying caps.  

 Clinton noted that since many US diplomats are major political donors to the Democrat party with long careers in the business world and that lying shouldn't be a difficult  for them at all. But for those career diplomats who came up through the Foreign Service, the State Department will be holding a series of “truth avoidance seminars,” led by executives of Goldman Sachs. 

Additionally, Clinton said, the State Department would install on all diplomats’ computers new software called CandorShield, which automatically translates truthful language into a less embarrassing truth-free version. For example, the software would translate the phrase “two-faced weasels” into “trusted Pakistani allies” and would delete all references to French President Nicolas Sarkozy as “Monsieur Shorty Pants.”

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