A Good Monday Morning

Lizzy Warren - Jedi Princess??

Def-Con - She’s trying so hard to be relatable. Wealthy out-of-touch Elizabeth Warren has tried to convince people she’s “regular folk” by drinking beer, dancing like a goober, and using a fake hillbilly accent when she talks to the peasants. Now she’s hoping to grab support from Star Wars fans by acting all Jedi and shit. She doesn’t have a great track record for claiming ancestry, so chances are if she does, she is only 1/1024th Jedi.  

I just cringed so hard I dislocated my everything.

— Concerned Bystander (@Irrational_Fury) December 21, 2019

You can hear her story now: Her grandpappy was a Jedi knight who had to elope with her Indian grandmammy because a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, mixed marriages were not tolerated by the Empire. Thankfully the Death Star got blowed up a couple of times and eventually they were able to settle down in Tattooine, the Oklahoma of Star Wars planets, and start a family.

The beauty of Warren claiming Jedi ancestry is that unlike that Indian thing, no one could prove her wrong. There is no DNA test that can check for Midi-chlorians, which are intelligent microscopic life forms that live symbiotically inside the cells of all living things. Another advantage is that at this point there’s only one Jedi left. It’s not like there are tribes of Jedis who can call her out for lying about her ancestry.

If Lizzy wants to find a Star Wars character to believably associate with, she needn’t look farther than Jar Jar Binks. He’s a goofball with bad ideas, who makes jerky unsettling motions and speaks in mostly gibberish. She’s comically awkward, wants to destroy America, shakes her head like a chicken eating corn, and expresses her opinions with gobbledygook. They are one in the same.

[Brian Anderson @Def-Con News]
[Team Lizzy]

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Retailers Hit Back at Annoying Shoppers

It's Payback Time Bitches!

By Middle Finger News Consumer Affairs Reporter Toylett Bole

Industry Launches Website 'RateThatCustomer'

MFNS - Following the growth in review sites where consumers can rate the services they use, retailers have welcomed the launch of the new website RateThatCustomer which allows them to rate and review their experiences with individual customers.

"It’s finally payback time," said Scarlet Greene, assistant manager of 'The Reefer Bookshop' in Chicago which has already joined the new site. "A recent customer left us negative feedback because we wouldn’t give him a 60% discount and one of our cashiers ‘has acne’. Now we can go to RateThatCustomer and let everyone know that he’s a tight ass cheap bastard who only needed 60 minutes a month on his phone contract because he hasn’t got any friends to call."

Frogmella Dees - Expert in
Peculation of Retail Merchandise

With a 5-star rating function and the ability to upload a photo of the customer being reviewed, RateThatCustomer already has over 5,000 businesses subscribing to the service. Customers are marked on their ‘browsing-to-buying ratio’, ‘politeness to staff’, ‘suggestibility’, and even their ‘looks and appearance’.

Gus Napolo, Owner of 'Gus' Lingerie Shop' told us he now has an outlet to not only give customer reviews, but also give problem customers a piece of his mine. "This customer always makes a point to tell me how much cheaper products are at other stores  'Here’s an idea. asshole. Go there and shop. You always smell like F**kin' disappointment anyway."

Peachy Keene - Infamous Serial
Merchandise Returner and
General All Around Pain in the Ass

And Candy Mann of 'Michele's Used Candles and Tire Repair' wrote "this regular customer was on their cell phone the entire time I am ringing them out. I’m sure that telling your bff about your super-hot date with the mega rich lawyer is way more important than taking four seconds to acknowledge there is an actual person standing in front of you and  put down the phone. If you don’t, next time I’m going to fart in your bag so there will be a death cloud hitting you in the face when you open it." 
  
Anyone in retail knows you can’t just lavish high-quality customer service on everyone who comes through the door,’ explained the site’s founder. RateThatCustomer helps retailers to avoid expending effort on the serial complainers and the timewasters who’ll never buy anything. In fact data from the site shows that the customer is always right only 0.3% of the time.

The Always Annoying Dirk Blinker 
and His Poo Flinging Monkey Hillary

Some customers have criticized the new service, however. After stumbling across her review by chance when Googling herself, Doreen McAllister was furious at receiving a 1-star rating from retailer 'Monsiers Dress Shop' for trying on four different sizes of the same underwear without buying any of them, and then ‘loudly announcing that the quality is better in Brickeners ’. 

"The review makes me look like some kind of snob", said Doreen. "They said I asked for assistance with absolutely everything and called me a ‘pestomer’ rather than a customer. But what they said about my appearance was just spiteful. It’s not at all the case that I was too fat for any of the dresses, and I certainly won’t be taking their advice and going to 'Academy Sports' to pick up a tent instead."

__________________________________________

Toylett Bole is Middle Finger News Service Consumer Affairs Reporter. Ms. Bole is a expert on retail business, earning her Associate Degree in Retail Lost Prevention while attending the Mississippi State Correction Facility for Women. She Later earned her full Degree in Merchandising while attending the Caddo Correctional Center in Louisiana.

Middle Finger Symphony Theater

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Dem Debate #87 - Viking Witch Mops Floor With Mayor Dude.

I really didn't know the Democrats were planning to annoy the listeners of their local Public Radio stations until, while tidying up and doing some decorating, I walked into the room and heard the unmistakable voice of Lizzy Warren screeching from my magical wireless receiver of frequency modulation radio waves. Fortunately, I was moving in and out of the room and didn't have to punish myself for very long at a time to grab a few thoughts of the proceedings for you, sketchy as they are.

It seriously was like walking in and out of a three stooges movie, you heard what's said, but had no idea why. At one point I remember hearing Bernie Sanders, a millionaire himself,  yelling about millionaires and billionaires destroying the country while standing on the stage with his fellow millionaires and a billionaire.  I heard Joe Biden butting heads with Bernie's over his 'Medicare For All' crap because it's a scam and not viable, which really brought out the hand waving, gruff commie curmudgeon that we all know and love. Along the line, Bernie took time out to remind us he was old and white for a reason I cannot tell, and was called out by a moderator for responding to every question up to that point with the same answer, Climate Change! 

Speaking of being white, someone needs to tell Andy Yang to look in the mirror. He's ASIAN, not a person of color. He was standing next to Senator Lizzy who's skin is darker than his! Stop It! Stop It! I was stunned when later I heard him say "if you get too many men alone and leave us alone for a while, we kind of become morons." I said to myself, whoa, a democrat telling the truth? Then I wondered if NPR had just changed programming to a stage play or something, only to learn he was commenting on the need for more women in politics. Yeah, those founding father who gathered together so often back in the day were real morans, huh Andy.

Up until a point Mayor Pete had come across sounding like a very practiced puppet as usual. Then out of the blue, Lizzy started berating Pete about hanging out with his big buck donors in private and drinking $900 bottles of wine in a cave........ I really don't want to know. 

Not long after, the delightful Senator Amy Klobu..blah blah reminded everyone she was from Minnesota and a Woman and she gets things done!  Then she turned into the Viking Witch and proceeded to mop the floor with Mayor Pete over his disrespecting all the legendary legislators he had the privilege standing among. In a back and worth Mayor Pete attempted to defend himself, but the Viking Witch clipped his fairy wings forthwith, showing she can swing a sword with the best of em'.

He had a bad night from what little else I heard. There was also some guy named Tom Snyder or something on stage I never heard say anything.  And far as I know Biden didn't pass out or wander off the stage, and what little I heard him speak to was full of wise gems, like we have to build houses that don't leak. 

Most everything else I heard was just like yapping dogs in the distance.  One wonders if Kamala what's her name was watching, and throwing shoes at the TV and sticking pins in dolls.   Long Live Spartacus!   

A Visit From Nadler Claus

By Seamus Muldoon
(with apologies to Clement Moore)

'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the House
Not a critter was stirring, not even a louse;
The Articles were filed in committee with care,
In hopes that Impeachment soon would be there;

The Democrats were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of quid pro quo danced in their heads;
And Nan with her Botox, and Schiff Pencil-neck,
Had just wrapped their heads 'round th' impending train wreck,

Then on the South Lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
On my way to the stairs I threw on my trousers,
Turned on the computer and opened my browser.

The girl with the breasts on the news - CNN,
Gave a lustre of half-truth to objects within,
When before my own eyes, well how 'bout that,
Was a kangaroo court and 8 career diplomats,

With a little old Chairman so lively and merry,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Jerry
Weighed down by their burden his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now, Vindman! now, Sondland! now Yo-van-o-vich
On, Volker! on, Karlan!, Fiona you witch!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now smash away! crash away! thrash away all!"

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So the witnesses in front of the House they all stood
With St. Jerry's sleigh, chock full of falsehoods

Then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was set to announce,
Down the chimney ol' Nadler Claus came with a bounce.

Dressed in tailor-made suits, from his feet to his gut,
His clothes were all tarnished with food stains and smut;
A bag of false charges was flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes—they were beady! his hygiene, how scary!
His manner was greedy. Physique? sedentary!
His pinched little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
The spittle on his chin was as white as the snow;

The cloth of his pants was as tight as it gets,
With the waistband cinched snugly around his arm pits;
He had a broad face and a big round belly
That shook when he spoke, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was flabby and plump, a right sleazy old elf,
But I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
The twitch in his eye and the shape of his head
Soon told me the Prez'nint had nothing to dread;

He spoke to the press, with a visible snerk,
Filled the stockings with coal; then turned, what a jerk,
And picking his nose, he said "Great! Just my luck!"
His ass was so fat, in the chimney he stuck;

He got to his sleigh, just a little bit miffed,
And they drove down the road, due to not enough lift
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“Happy 'peachment to all...
...and to all a good night!”

CNN Goes Full Baghdad Bob On Impeachment

RS - CNN is really hitting its stride this morning. Jake Tapper opened the hearing by asserting that his audience was about to hear the GOP lie over and over. Because real journalism is pre-judging something and then proclaiming that everything one side of the aisle says is a lie before they even say it.

The other thing CNN is doing is playing up the idea that today is a heart wrenching, solemn occasion for Democrats, who’d otherwise prefer to be supporting the President and not impeaching him. This is what living in a bubble looks like. No one outside of the beltway, except the crazies in the street that will protest a cloud passing over head, are really even paying attention right now, much less viewing this as a “momentous” occasion.

"You can feel it in the air here. It feels different," @DanaBashCNN says. "It is palpable – that this is momentous. That this is grave. And it is... not something this speaker wanted to do..."

— Brian Stelter (@brianstelter) December 18, 2019

Democrats are not solemn about this and not even liberals actually believe that. This impeachment is not grave, nor can it be felt in the air. Most of all though, it’s laughable to suggest that Nancy Pelosi is actually against the attempted removal of Trump. She’s been hoping for this day since he took office, as many of her members have publicly stated. The only reason she might wish this wasn’t happening is because of the bad political consequences her party will now suffer.

Note: @SpeakerPelosi is wearing black. One of her colleagues told me several of the female Democrats did that intentionally to signal it is a somber day #impeachment

— Dana Bash (@DanaBashCNN) December 18, 2019

And just to drive the point home of how not solemn Democrats actually are, they had to be instructed not to clap and cheer after the passage of the articles later today. Because when you are truly solemn, you need to wear certain color dresses and purposely hold in your emotions so as to appear solemn or something. Makes sense.

Pretend we're being serious! is maybe the funniest thing yet about today https://t.co/7MWdhet4Dc

— Phil Kerpen (@kerpen) December 18, 2019

CNN may be doing it’s best to mimic Baghdad Bob, proclaiming something that’s clearly not true as defeat nears, but everyone knows this is a joke. No amount of frowny faces and well acted TV hits will change that.

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Federal Judge Allows Dead Purged From Georgia Voter Rolls - Dems Claim Voter Suppression

Governor In Her Own Mind - Stacey "Tank" Abrams

We all know the cemetery constituency has traditionally been important to the dems from way back, our own Huey Long is known to have won an election or two with the help of one corner of the N.O. Jewish cemetery. They're said to have been very helpful in many mayoral races over the years.

And now we read in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that following a ruling by U.S. District Judge Steve Jones Monday, the number of registered voters in Georgia is about to be reduced by approximately 309,000 names. Georgia law requires voter names purged after voters fail to vote in elections for several years, one of nine states with similar requirements called “use it or lose it.” All states are bound by federal law to regularly update voter rolls.

In his Monday order, Jones wrote:

“It appears that any voter registration cancellations can be undone at a later date. The technology is in place for any deleted voter names to be restored, should developments warrant."

Protecting the voting rights of the dead and apathetic, the progressive voting rights group Fair Fight Action jumped into action and filed an emergency motion to stop the purge. Fair Fight Action is the voting rights group founded by Democrat Stacey Abrams and her soft skull allies after her loss in the State Governor race in 2018. Abrams, showing typical progressive lack of class, has yet to concede her election loss. She lost because she got fewer votes, and that's not fair.

According to Fair Fight CEO Lauren Groh-Wargo:

“Georgians should not lose their right to vote simply because they have not expressed that right in recent elections. Georgia’s practice of removing voters who have declined to participate in recent elections violates the United States Constitution.”

Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger said Georgia’s voter lists must be maintained for accuracy.

"Proper list maintenance is not only required by long-standing laws but is also important in maintaining the integrity and smooth functioning of elections."

States cannot cancel voter registrations based solely on inactivity. Election officials are required to also mail notifications before registrations are canceled, as Georgia officials did this year.

As always with dems, it's not about protecting the rightful vote of a legal citizen of the United States.  It's about, in the name of what progressives call their version of 'fairness', casting votes in so loose of a soup of regulations and gimmicks like poorly verifiable same day registration, that open up our elections to the fraud dems are so good at and claim never happens, unless they lose. 

The mark of the Progressive ideologue is that they never want to think deeply about the complexity of the world, only about the complexity of his plans for the world. Laws protecting my legal vote is not voter suppression. But protecting the voting rights of the dead is so progressive.

[ACJ]
[BPR]

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Dear Spartacus, Why Are You Still Here??

When Democrats can’t succeed within an established rule set, they do one of two things: Ignore them or move the goal post. We’ve seen this time and again. Can’t beat Bernie fair and square? Collude with the party to push him out of the race. Can’t trust yourself to win a debate? Get the questions in advance. Can’ win an election? Scapegoat the ‘red menace,’ impeach, and demand the elimination of the electoral college!

Likewise, if you can’t qualify for your party’s next debate because you spew crazy ideas and no one cares anymore what you have to say, you lead the charge to lower the entry requirements.

Spartacus Booker has been languishing near the bottom of the Dems’ 2020 polling since he entered the race. He’s frustrated, his staff is frustrated, and his legions of very few supporters are frustrated. He’s not raising money, and his campaign appears to be dead in the water. But.... He’d still like to be in the debates. So, he’s assembled a pack of other also-rans and together they’re petitioning the DNC to change the rules.  Spartacus, Pete Buttigieg, Julian Castro, Tom Steyer, Andrew Yang and Amy Klobuchar have all signed a letter requesting the party “consider alternative debate qualification standards” that would allow for more participants.

Front runner Joe Biden also signed the petition, but he probably just thought it was an autograph for his old pal Cornpop. Honestly, I have to wonder. If you haven’t managed to gain any traction after a year of constant appearances, why are you still running? Isn’t the writing on the wall? Sorry, also-rans, you had your shot.

Maybe the DNC will issue participation trophies. But really, it’s time to empty out the clown car. So step off bugeyes. The Crazy Lady from Chappaqua is coming.

[The Hill]
[WSJ]

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