A DMF Tribute to the Late Great Chris Matthews

Chris Matthews tonight announced his retirement from MSNBC after twenty years with the network: "After a conversation with MSNBC, I decided last night will be my last Hardball."  In other words, they called him out for being a creep. He said goodbye and walked off the set. But in honor of one media personality that never failed to give such rich and robust material to the conservative blogosphere, we look back on a few of Chris' highlights from years past.

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Chris Matthews to Donate Leg to Obama

Presidential Library

MFNS -Washington - MSNBC political commentator Chris Matthews today announced he would proudly donate his famous "Tingling Leg" to the future Barack Obama Presidential Failure Library said to be planned for construction in Hawaii. 
 
"Every since I made that statement on-air about the tingle up my leg the night of the election, the conservative bloggers have been shellacking me with it night and day!. So I plan when Barack leaves office to amputate it and donate it to the Obama Library and make all those bastards look like fools" Matthews told Middle Finger News. 

Ask if he was absolutely serious about the statement he  told us,  "Look, we were indeed drinking heavily during commercial breaks in the election coverage, but on air I was sitting next to Rachel Maddow for Gods sake! And while she was wild eyed and had on a nice pair of fishnets and playing footsie under the table with Andrea Mitchell.... I know the tingle wasn't because of them! That was 100% adrenaline and admiration for Barack Obama because of the outcome of election night." 

There has at this time been no official statement from the White House, but Press Secretary Jay Carney  suggested the addition of the famous amputated leg, preserved in a glass case in the entrance to the future library would be an towering symbol of the love and support by members of the media for the 44th President in his heroic struggle to save America.

" Barack will get the leg when he leaves office.....I'll show those bastards!" said Matthews.

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Post Inaugural: Chris Matthews' MSNBC Panel Fawns Over Michelle Obama's.....Buttocks

MFNS-Washington DC.- In the final minutes of the MSNBC coverage of Donald Trump being sworn in as 45th President, in order to steer the subject away from Trump, Chris Matthews invited several of the network’s past and present commentators who covered the Obamas over the last 8 years to pay tribute to former First Lady Michelle Obama.

It was classic Chris Matthews MSNBC lunacy.....

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  A couple of days ago the remarkable Michelle Obama celebrated her 53th birthday. I thought we would end tonight’s show by taking a few moments to reflect upon a sensational African American first lady. Ed Schultz, my good union friend, your thoughts on our gracious former first lady.

ED SCHULTZ: I know that she’s a beautiful lady, Chris. I can tell you that.

MATTHEWS: So you wouldn’t kick her out of bed for 

SCHULTZ: For eating crackers? Heck no. She can eat all the crackers she wants. Hell, she can eat a greasy double cheeseburger with a side order of cheesy fries and wipe her hands on the sheets.

AL SHARPTON: (smiling) What would a good lookin’ Black African American woman of color be doing in bed with a fat white boy like you, Ed?

SCHULTZ: (laughing) Hey, even fat white boys have fantasies.

SHARPTON: Are you frantrasizing about Michelle Obama or the double cheeseburger?

MATTHEWS: What about you, Rachel. You’re a lesbian, would you kick the first lady out of bed?

Just For You, Diogenes' Most Excellent Democrat Debate Summary

Maison de Diogène 11:00 PM

I knew it was going to be serious, Bernie combed his hair.

But let me first say, I spent 3 hours trying to get a simple warranty return done on my phone, and after that, I just wanted to see blood. So my mood may color my analysis a tiny bit. I also missed a short segment about midway in the debate to go outside for some air after feeling like I was about to stab myself in the thigh with my pen.

Really, I do wish the dems would stop pretending that we don't know they're all talkin' crazy! It's a widely-documented phenomenon that most of us have personally observed!

Some pundits tomorrow may say that it was unsporting for Lizzy Warren to kick off this debate by ripping Mike Bloomberg’s arm off and using it to punch him in the face, but I respectfully disagree. Like a ninja dancing across the tops of the bamboo forest all crouching tiger-like, she personally ripping Bloomberg's face off his skull like an angry bear, then fed Mini Mike into a wood chipper feet first.  Lizzy pandered a lot, we need more Mexcans, and Black people are wonderful. She could have been a lot less shrill, smiled more and wore something else besides THAT FREAKIN' PURPLE JACKET! At least she wasn't dancing. 

Mayor Mini Mike: Move over bitches, I'm the bestest.  Two minutes in, Bloomberg's mouth is saying words but his eyes scream "MAYDAY".  An hour in, after his fellow debaters barrages of left jabs, MSNBC cut to commercial so nobody could see Bloomberg’s cut man rushing out with a bucket and an ice pack.  I'm just assuming everyone in the Bloomberg campaign is cashing those checks and that's literally it. Because this performance is exactly as expected.  He did manage to get one of the best lines of the night in on Bernie, "Best known socialist in the country is a millionaire who owns three homes". 

Then there's Joe Biden: God help me, I'm starting to feel a little sorry for the bastard.  Joe says I've done everything, with everybody, and I was Obama's VP, have you forgotten?  Just how quickly would you be blind, stinking drunk if you only drank when Biden mentioned Obama?  Joe seems to avoid completing sentences like there's a land mine waiting at the end of them.....now Joe’s gettin’ all pissy about trying to get a word in edgewise........ Quit YELLING AT ME Joe........... Now Joe is ranting incoherently about Chinese coal.....

Senator Amy Kolbe..uh...the Lady from Minnesota: Amy is opposed to Mexican drug cartels. That's Edgy! There's something about Amy Klobu... that just pisses me off.  Maybe it's that she reminds me so much of one of the Sisters in my Catholic Girls School.  She was a Bitch......Someone should tell Amy not to tell jokes, humor isn't her thing. She says we need more mexcans and she has a vagina so she gets things done....... Uh Oh, I left the room and now Senator Amy looks like she wants to take Mayor Pete over her knee. Don't make her grab a switch, young man.......Pete just compared Amy to Walter Mondale. OH, IT ON NOW!!  Amy strikes back. "Get your fact straight, PocketProtector!" She's about to stab him in the neck with that pen. Her mouth is smiling, her eyes speak murder....... I think maybe Amy's gonna jump him in the alley after this and shiv him with her comb fork. A woman's righteous fire is terrifying to the weak.

Mayor Pete: Thought it was kinda cute of him to not shave for a week to get that 5 o'clock shadow to make him look older. Pete kindly reminded both Mayor Mini Mike and Senator Bernie that at least he was a real democrat. Pete pointed out to Bernie that he and his brown shirt Bernie Bros. are extremely polarizing.......Bernie inturn totally denied his supporters are assholes. After listening to the curmudgeon Bernie,  Pete sounded like he is about 15.  Pete tells us we need more mexcans.......It is thoroughly hilarious watching Buttigieg go after US Senators for not doing enough, then puff up the importance of small-time mayors. Pete's Mom must be proud. I bet she still beams about that essay contest he won and that the ribbon's still on the fridge.

Bernie: Off with their heads!! Bernie gets red in the face every time he speaks. I mean yells.   Bernie flushed as he screamed at that meddling kid, Pete, from down the street. Bernie denies being a commie, then proceeds to lay out his authoritarian revolution. Bernie tells us if we don't deal with climate change, Nevada will become mostly a desert!.....Either I'm stoned or Bernie just answered a question about what he would say to millions of the proletariat who are about to lose their jobs as he destroys whole industries in the name of climate change, and his answer had a subtext of "They should be happy with being sacrifices for the future!" But Bernie will never become president because he's f**king crazy, and WHO WANTS TO BE YELLED AT FOR FOUR YEARS.

In the final analysis, what this debate did was again illustrate just how appallingly bankrupt and philosophically broken the democrat party really is. 

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS & MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage! ~

New York Times Ask Dem Candidates Which Celebrity They Would Most Like To Bang

It's just a week until the Iowa vote and the Democrat primary field will soon narrow to just 30 or so candidates. They've spent hours at Democratic debates most of us didn't watch droning on about screwing up your health care or their thrilling plans to tax the hell outta you so they can give you everything for free. As we mercifully get ready to say goodbye to some, let's learn a little bit about them as people who occasionally like us get horny.

The New York Times asked some of the remaining Democrat candidates 20 questions, one of which was to give voters a peek into their mental Cinemax and reveal their celebrity crushes. I think the answers will thrill you. They may shock you. They might even horrify you.

First up is clear winner Amy Klobuchar, who chose Prince. It's not just that the senator and the music legend are both from Minnesota. It's simply the only correct answer. She responded without hesitation, so it's obvious she's had sex to his music. I'm too polite to speculate as to which Prince album was playing while Klobuchar's daughter was conceived. All I'll say is that if there's some serious nakedness going on in the vicinity of Prince's music someone's getting pregnant. That's science.

Lizzy Warren came in a strong second with The Rock. She even still calls him the Rock. "Dwayne Johnson" can make all the versions of The Fast and the Furious and Jumanji that moviegoers can stomach. He can even churn out some more family-friendly crap like Tooth Fairy. Warren's only interested in what the Rock is cooking while strutting his stuff in tight spandex. For a moment while Warren was giving her answer, it seemed as if she forgot the cameras were there, closed her eyes, and sampled the candy. Don't leave our girl in a room alone with the Rock, especially if Klobuchar loaned her a copy of Diamonds and Pearls.

Mike Bloomberg was the weirdest. He selected both Laura Dern and William H. Macy. He's a billionaire. He can cast whoever he wants in his orgies.  Tom Steyer went with the safer but still dope choice of Alicia Keys. The lady can sing, and she's fine. No chance Tom.

Andy Yang took the path you're supposed to if you're married and want to remain so. "I think my wife's a star and I've got a big crush on her."  Aww, that's sweet. But let's cut the crap.

Mayor Pete was the lone spoilsport interviewed. He claimed his celebrity crush was "not for The New York Times to know about." Teen Vogue covers celebrity crushes. This is the most innocuous ice breaker question imaginable. Is he afraid voters will think he lacks gravitas if he admits he would dig playing rump rangers with Mr. Sulu??  Bloomberg offered us wacky threesome scenarios, and Warren had an on-camera orgasm. Buttigieg's a Rhodes scholar. We think he can safely answer one random question without killing his campaign. Okay, maybe in his case the wiser move is to say nothing.

[The New York Times]
[Wonkette]

~ Thank You WHATFINGERNEWS & MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage! ~

And The Award For Tweeter Bitch Slap Of The Day Goes To......

~ Thank You MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage! ~

President Lizzy Wants You To Know She's Gonna Clean Up All This Crap Straight Away!!!

On the first day of Donald Trump's impeachment trial, Lizzy Warren unveiled her plan to save us all on her website under the weighty title 'Restoring Integrity and Competence to Government After Trump.' No, I'm not kiddin':

"One year from today, the next president will begin her first full day of work. She will be inheriting a government in crisis and in desperate need of immediate course correction."

That's cute how Warren refers to the next president with a feminine pronoun. What comes first in President Warren's "course correction"? Firings, and lots of them!

Lizzy said she'll ask for the resignations of all Trump's political appointees on day one of her administration. That includes 93 US attorneys. (Bush 43 fired 9 and the Liberals went absolutely ape- shit).  Feeling her inner Stalin, Lizzy plans on going after political opponents. Comrade Warren will establish a Task Force (probably lead by the lovely AG Kamala Harris) that will investigate corruption in the Trump administration and hold the guilty parties accountable.  But Warren will also keep herself honest, not just more honest than Trump because any common gangster can limbo under a low bar. Nay, her administration will "adopt the strictest anti-corruption hiring rules of any administration in all of American History in the world!!"

Right off the bat she says she'll end Obama's policy of children in cages at detention facilities that was Trump's fault, end DJT's reckless foreign policy that endangers our country by killing terrorists who threaten us and end the bigoted ban on travelers from Muslim-majority countries that breed worldwide terrorism. She'll also investigate US Border Control and Department of Homeland Security for violating Immigration laws.

President Lizzy insist her team will reflects the full diversity of America, including having at least 50% of Cabinet positions filled by women and non binary people. Even though Black women are disproportionately represented in the federal workforce and LGBTQRX people are represented across all levels of government, including in leadership roles, it don't matter.  Not diverse enough for Lizzy.  There will be recruiting from HBCUs, Tribal Colleges and Universities, and programs for federal jobs for formerly incarcerated individuals ex-convicts. And Lizzy wants to grow the government that is still bloated by reinstating government officials who left public service through a streamlined hiring process, and waive competitive hiring processes as a way of creating another generation of ambitious soft skull leftist government bureaucrats. 

To bring back integrity in government, Lizzy won't employ "senior executives at companies and banks that have broken federal law, are subject to enforcement actions, or are under investigation." That basically rules out 99% of the financial industry. But she hates them anyway, so no biggie. There's always the little commie midget, Robert Reich, who fancies himself an economist who'd probably jump on his big wheel and join up in a minute!

It's not stated outright but we also assume Warren staffers won't regularly violate the Hatch Act, but democrats gonna democrat. Senior staffers will have to pledge not to accept a lobbying job after their official duties end.....and that's for life. Man, you won't catch a grift if you ever work for Warren. That should thin the potential herd down quite a bit.

Donald Trump’s presidency has been a dark period in American history according to Lizzy's website.  A government that has been infected by corruption and incompetence, and his actions as president suggest that he is likely to do everything he can to undermine the next president. Ya Know, just like the last one did.

[Lizzy.com]
[Reuters]

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

The Impeachment Signing Photo You Weren't Supposed to See

Democrat committee members convene in private as the Speaker of the House loads a bowl for the group's partaking of celebratory bong hits before officially signing off on the Articles of Impeachment and delivery to the Senate Chamber. The most amazing feature of this historic photo is that it shows Nancy Pelosi actually cast a reflection in the mirror. 

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Federal Judge Allows Dead Purged From Georgia Voter Rolls - Dems Claim Voter Suppression

Governor In Her Own Mind - Stacey "Tank" Abrams

We all know the cemetery constituency has traditionally been important to the dems from way back, our own Huey Long is known to have won an election or two with the help of one corner of the N.O. Jewish cemetery. They're said to have been very helpful in many mayoral races over the years.

And now we read in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that following a ruling by U.S. District Judge Steve Jones Monday, the number of registered voters in Georgia is about to be reduced by approximately 309,000 names. Georgia law requires voter names purged after voters fail to vote in elections for several years, one of nine states with similar requirements called “use it or lose it.” All states are bound by federal law to regularly update voter rolls.

In his Monday order, Jones wrote:

“It appears that any voter registration cancellations can be undone at a later date. The technology is in place for any deleted voter names to be restored, should developments warrant."

Protecting the voting rights of the dead and apathetic, the progressive voting rights group Fair Fight Action jumped into action and filed an emergency motion to stop the purge. Fair Fight Action is the voting rights group founded by Democrat Stacey Abrams and her soft skull allies after her loss in the State Governor race in 2018. Abrams, showing typical progressive lack of class, has yet to concede her election loss. She lost because she got fewer votes, and that's not fair.

According to Fair Fight CEO Lauren Groh-Wargo:

“Georgians should not lose their right to vote simply because they have not expressed that right in recent elections. Georgia’s practice of removing voters who have declined to participate in recent elections violates the United States Constitution.”

Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger said Georgia’s voter lists must be maintained for accuracy.

"Proper list maintenance is not only required by long-standing laws but is also important in maintaining the integrity and smooth functioning of elections."

States cannot cancel voter registrations based solely on inactivity. Election officials are required to also mail notifications before registrations are canceled, as Georgia officials did this year.

As always with dems, it's not about protecting the rightful vote of a legal citizen of the United States.  It's about, in the name of what progressives call their version of 'fairness', casting votes in so loose of a soup of regulations and gimmicks like poorly verifiable same day registration, that open up our elections to the fraud dems are so good at and claim never happens, unless they lose. 

The mark of the Progressive ideologue is that they never want to think deeply about the complexity of the world, only about the complexity of his plans for the world. Laws protecting my legal vote is not voter suppression. But protecting the voting rights of the dead is so progressive.

[ACJ]
[BPR]

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Tulsi Gabbard Appears on “The View” and Gracefully Puts Foot Up Joy Behar's......

When Democrat presidential candidate and US Rep. Tulsi Gabbard appeared on The View earlier this year, Boobs McCain accused her of being an “Assad apologist” who is “spouting propaganda from Syria.” Then after Hillary Clinton insinuated that the Russians were “grooming” Gabbard to run on a third-party ticket to split the dems vote and help reelect DJT, Joy Behar called her a “useful idiot.”

Gabbard, who as of now is still running as a Democrat, returned to The View for the third time and immediately confronted the hosts for accusing her of “being a traitor to my country, a Russian asset, a Trojan horse or a useful idiot.  Over two segments, Behar and Gabbard went at it over everything from her endorsements from white nationalists to an even bigger sin - appearing on Fox News. Watching Behar's TDS aging mug as she gets put in her place is worth the watch. 

In the end,  McCain thanked Gabbard for not threatening to take away her guns.
“I will,” Behar told her. “I’ll take them.”

I think this is one of the best examples of psychosis that has taken over the mouth pieces of the left.  Not towing the progressive line 100% makes you a target and outlaw, to be smeared and degraded. It's the Democrat Way....

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

The Commander and Chief Orders New Pants

Of all the 45 million pages of documents and hundreds of hours of historic conversations recorded during the years of the Presidency of LBJ archived in his Presidential Library in Austin Texas, one audio clip has become a classic among presidential archive fans and one of the most listened to in the library.

On August 9, 1964, at the height of a re-election campagin, President Lyndon Baines Johnson decided that he needed some new pants, so he got on the horn and called the Haggar Clothing Co. based in Dallas, Texas, and ordered himself up a new set. After a short interruption of another call, LBJ continues in his colorful, home-spun style and in vivid language to explain his need for special consideration of certain anatomical areas, and hilariously belches right in the middle.

Here’s a worthwhile animation of the call by Tawd Dorenfeld.

~ Thank You Larwyn's Linx@Doug Ross Journal 
& Maggie's Farm for the Linkage! ~

Vagina Museum Applies For Liquor License

Note to Reader: There are so many possible jokes packed in that title, and caused me to contemplate deleting this post before publication. But your esteemed Editrix would have felt remiss at passing up a opportunity to relieve my most excellent readers of the drudgery of reading more of the politics of the day, and of politicians who act like another part of the human anatomy we all have. That said, I apologize in advance for this post....

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You know what that Vagina Museum needs? An alcohol license.  But which vagina museum, you ask?

That would be the Vagina Museum set to open November 16th at London’s Camden Market, specifically. The grand showcase of unshowables is on a mission to spread the word on "gynecological anatomy and health." And to get you liquored up, I guess, at that wondrous place, the "world’s first bricks and mortar museum dedicated to vaginas."

But some people are concerned about its petition for a alcohol license far more than being known for actually having a Vagina Museum in their neighborhood.

"We have no doubt that the museum will try to ensure that no inappropriate parties will be allowed, but stag parties are not known for their respectfulness and hen parties can also be raucous and difficult to control."

Yeah, Drunken Hen Parties!! 

"If parties become rowdy, they will be removed by security and then end up on our streets, creating public nuisance."

And what if those stags and hens collide? Treachery could ensue says the chair of the Tenants Residents Associations, Camden Town. She expressed worry that the museum is "actively seeking" hen and stag nights.

Nevertheless, on Thursday, the erected salute to unmentionables was granted its license. Originally, the museum had applied to sell booze Sunday to Thursday from 10 a.m. to 11:30 p.m. and Friday and Saturday, 10 a.m. to midnight. That was so, I suppose, you could say to your buddy, "Hey, it’s 11:00 at night. Let’s go down to the Vagina Museum and grab a beer."

Also granted: the ability to show films between 10 a.m. and 10:30 p.m. Monday thru Saturday, and 11 a.m. to 10:30 p.m. Sunday. Films. What kind of .....oh never mind.  There was just one condition imposed by the licensing panel: No more than 100 people may be inside the Vagina Museum at any one time. So go the rules and regulations of an esteemed community ornament.

So if you are in Jolly Ole London on or about November 16th, the line-up for the gallery’s opening exhibit will be "Muff Busters: Vagina Myths And How To Fight Them." And be sure to stop off at the bar.

[Telegraph UK]
[KMAJC]

Oh Sweet Jesus They're Not Really Doing This Again are They?? Dems Debate #41 of 120

It's time for another Democratic debate!  There is only 80 or something more of these before the candidate field is finally whittled down to the top five or so, none of  which will be as good as the SNL versions.   I'm convinced CNN is intent on killing once and for all what little ratings they still have after their last town hall 'Queer Fest and Men in Dresses Extravaganza' that would have turned off most of America if they had known it was on.

The DNC is done spreading the debate manure over two nights when there were more than 10 candidates and made most dems dream of something more pleasant, like dysentery, and probably will again because ALL 12 BOZOS are going to be on the stage at the same time.  Enforced time limits (for everyone but Kamala cause the nasally Voodoo Queen just won't shut up) won't actually offer time to make a real points or use those lame canned zingers they payed staff to think up.  And who not will miss Joe and his annoying professorial verbal bullet points. #1 blah blah blah, #2 blah blah blah......  

And despite how the DNC tried to move the goal post to keep Tulsi Gabbard out of the primaries because she's not down with all the sissy men wearing dresses and has a little problem with Mohammedans running around cutting peoples heads off, will be one on stage and will surely take, and give some fire.

But I won't be watching because Marianne Sparkleshine Stardust Williamson didn't make the cut and won't be there. It's just not the same without her focus on the love, the light of the universe from the third eye that shines down upon us and bask us with the warmth of feeling and brings harmony together across the globe.

No, just not the same........

Their Numbers Are Growing........

No Surprise They’re Organizing The Filthy Dirty Rat Fink

 Retarded Liars Community.

EARL Done This (Clicky for Bigification)

Feesh, All She Smells is Feesh!

Thousands to Attend BBQ Outside Home of Vegan 
Who Sued Neighbors Over Smelly Meats!! 

Three Cheers for the Aussies!

New York Post:

Thousands of people are roasting an Australian vegan who took her neighbors to court over the smell of meat and fish from their barbecue — by planning a massive cookout outside her home. 

Cilla Carden made headlines this week for her legal beef, in which she claimed the odors from her neighbors’ barbecues had destroyed her quality of life, 9News reported. Now more than 3,000 people are planning to attend a cookout outside her Perth home, organized on a Facebook page called “Community BBQ for Cilla Carden.”  

“Don’t let Cilla destroy a good old Aussie tradition, join us for a community BBQ, and help Cilla Carden GET SOME PORK ON HER FORK,” the event description reads. The barbecue is scheduled for Oct. 19 — and vegans are not welcome, the page says. Carden’s legal battle with her neighbors began last year. Her complaint was tossed out of court earlier this year, and she filed an appeal. The appeal was also rejected in July, but she has vowed to keep fighting.

The Feesh, All She Smells is Feesh!
 

It Was 50 Years Ago Today....

More Lyin' Brian Williams Reminisces

An Hilarious Look at Your Want-To-Be Future Overlords

A Peek Into The Democratic Socialists of America Convention in Atlanta.
Someone Get a Net!

A look into what happened during one part of the national convention of the Democratic Socialists of America in Atlanta this weekend. pic.twitter.com/bWekVQxPWV

— Andy Ngo (@MrAndyNgo) August 4, 2019

Bonus round. pic.twitter.com/qvzoqtO4kP

— Ian Miles Cheong (@stillgray) August 4, 2019

Resistance is Futile. Prepare to Surrender.

H/T WZ

Your CNN 'People of No Color For President' Debate Preview

CNN has chosen to grace America with yet another double-header democratic debate featuring half of the 679 candidates scrambling for the democrat nomination, VP and cabinet positions in the presidential administration of Marianne Williamson.

Beclowning themselves last week, CNN gave us Wolff Blitzer and a debate lineup selection show more reminiscent of a mix of bingo game night and a bad game show, the only thing missing was Steve Harvey and bad jokes between selections. Then this morning the 'Most Trusted Name In News" started an extravaganza of wall to wall coverage at a windblown desk outside the Fox Theater in Detroit that looked more like the ESPN's College Game Day broadcast, with a crowd waving Biden 2020 signs instead of  'Go Bama' and big "We're #1" foam rubber hands in the background and anchored by the always lovely Brook Baldwin looking her usual victim of a head on collision with a Max Factor Makeup truck.  Coverage was later taken over by the network's resident carnival barker impersonator, Fredo Cuomo.  My question is who's running CNN these days, the National Lampoon????

So Here America Is Your Candidate Debate Starting Lineup: 

Bernie Sanders, Lizzy Warren, Pete Buttigieg, BetoKlobucharTimRyanThreeOtherTimRyans and of course, President Marianne Williamson.

And so you don't have to watch, here is a preview of the only things of any importance that both nights major players will probably say that they haven't already said a thousand times in a nutshell (literally a nutshell):

Bernie Sanders: I AM RELEVANT! AND EVERYONE SUCKS BUT ME! TRUMP IS A RACIST.

Lizzy Warren: I have many detailed plans for solving the problems that America faces. I've brought Powerpoints. Trump is a racist. 

Pete Buttigieg: I am a nice safe white man who also happens to be gay. Trump is a racist

Beto: I am also a nice safe white man. But not gay. Unless being gay would get me votes. I could be gay. Please vote for me...Please??

Harris: I'm a former prosecutor. I will fucking gut Donald Trump like a fish live on national TV if you let me. The Motherf**ker is a racist!

Biden: Hey, kids, I'm not old. Uncle Joe is hip. Look, I can floss! Hey, you're attractive. How old are you? 13? Well, your brothers better keep an eye on you.

DJT: Get a load of these tremendous losers America. Look at them!

Moderator: Mr. Trump, you're not supposed to be here.

DJT: Many people are saying I should be. Many people.

Marianne Sparkleshine Stardust Williamson: If we just focus on the love, the light of the universe from the third eye shall shine down upon us and bask us with the warmth of feeling and bring harmony together across the globe. *lights incenses stick*

You're Welcome!

Dropping the Soap is the Least of His Problems....

Bernie Sanders Given Honor of Own Native American Name

A Middle Finger News Great Moments in History

Senator Bernie Sanders was invited to address a gathering of the Indian First Nations chiefs in Denver, CO. He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing the standard of living for all of their citizens by totally free government grants for free college educations, free Medicare for all,etc.

He mentioned how he always supported these issues that came forward to him. Although Sanders was vague about the details for the funding of his plans, he spoke eloquently about his ideas if he wins the White House in 2020. At the conclusion of his speech, the chiefs presented him with a beautiful plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."

The proud Sanders accepted the plaque and then returned to Washington. A news reporter asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Sanders. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Via Overnight Thread@ACEHQ

~Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Post Clown Debate Observations For Those Smart Enough Not To Have Watched.

Well, no real surprises tonight, just the 10 bitching about mainly the same crap they have been all my life, with a few recent issues added in. DJT got off light, as most of the issues could have been addressed by other presidents they supported and congressional bodies of which they were seated in the past, but were careful not to let on they themselves were responsible for any of the mess. (lookin' at you Lizzy).  It was basically the economy sucks, the rich are too rich and of course the occasional Trump is a Dick. But not once did anyone mention front runner Joe.

Senator Lizzy was placed front and center as obvious front runner of this group of dwarfs. My one question of the night would have been "does this woman own any clothes?" My Gawd lady, how many times do we have to see you in that same purple jacket?????

Moving on, the pregame show featured a head scratching performance by a giddy Nicole Wallace who sounded like a liquored up 16 year-old just before a rock concert. Brian Williams was...well Brian Williams without the tall stories of mythical heroism.

As the main event started Senator Lizzy's meds had obviously kicked in and the usual shakes as she rattled on were evident.  The highlights of Lizzy's night; corporations are just bad - Free college for everybody. She went into detail bashing the very healthcare system she and her comrades voted for and ceremoniously rammed down our throats. She seems to have a real mental block concerning the realization Health Ins. co. have to make a profit to stay in business. DUH! She also wants you to pay for Tameka's abortion so she can use her money to lease a new Toyota.  Lizzy somehow doesn't get it that gun violence isn't a public health problem, it's a cultural problem. But that can't said in public, but everyone of these political scam artist know it.  By closing statements, Lizzy's meds had wore off and looked like she needed a beer.  But in the end, she made it perfectly clear, she's gonna fight for all you little people you!

Beto, more reserved than usual (possibly because they wouldn't let him  stand on his podium) sporadically broke out into Spanish, speaking to to all the future border jumpers - was for raising the corporate tax rate to punish employers - called for a democrat rewrite of all existing immigration laws in their own image, and like all the candidates, gave rigmarole answers to hide the true intentions - unfettered immigration via porous borders. They ain't foolin' nobody. Beto also wants to let the traumatized school shooting kids have a say in writing new gun laws. Yo Beto, we don't need you or any other kids input concerning our constitutional rights. Beto's says he's doing it for the children though. What a F**kin' dope!

Senator Amy said "we need more immigrants." What? To sleep in the streets? She also said DJT should not make any moves concerning Iran without asking her and her congressional comrades. And they will say NO!

Senator Spartacus was kind enough to remind us twice he was black, and kept reminding us he lives in a crime ridden neighborhood. That's really no way to talk about the Nations Capital, Cory.  He too broke out into Spanish, but I'm still trying to understand what the word "Toenail" has to do with politics? Spartacus is in favor of....... licensing all guns. NO! You Dope. You license cars, pilots and businesses, NOT CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTs!  He also said "the democrats need to get the courts back so they can pass their legislation." Read that quote again.  In the end he assured the people he was the one to beat down that Donald Trump guy.

Julio (or was it really Juan?) is for tax payer funded abortion coverage for Transexuals.....  Wait, What?  And he is also enthusiastically in favor of taxing the hell outta you for a Marshall Plan for the rest of the hemisphere, decriminalize illegal immigration and make it like parking ticket. It's basically MAMA, 'Make America Mexico Again' agenda.

And that brings us to the Honorable Mayor of NYC, who more than once reminded the people in attendance he was the Honorable Mayor of NYC, who wants to take your guns and money and make America like NYC. Nuff ' Said. You're excused. Thanks For Playing the game, Bill.

I must stop for a moment to say, Ricky Maddow looked absolutely fabulous tonight with his black, horn rimmed, look more smarter Rachel Goggles from the past. Good Times, Good Times. And Chuck Toad still, as always, looked like street corner pervert. But as questioners, I admit they were both most excellent. 

I vaguely remember the other candidates yapping (I was in the kitchen lookin' for the corkscrew, which took priority at the time) about the seas rising and green stuff, that we need more corrupt unions as well as giving us all "Free Health Care" (but you can still buy your own if you want to). That my friend sums up the democrats thinking. You tell me, if their grand plan for Free Healthcare is so good, why would I spend my money to pay for different health care myself??? These people truly believe their voters are stupid.

All in all, the real winner was Crazy Joe. Not one person took a shot. They all know they're losers.

~ Thank You Hot Coffee@Rumor Mill News Reading Room for the Linkage! ~  

So You Don't Have To Watch, We Give You a Preview of Tonight's Democrat Debate

Tonight, the Democrat Circus gathers together under the big top for the first time to have a good ol' fashion debate for the people, which we all know is just really gonna degenerate quickly into who can promise the most free stuff  & Trump Bashing Extravaganza. Due to the luck of the draw, Lizzy Warren will be chairing what looks like the kids' table debate. Her deputy in charge of the class when she has to go to the teachers' lounge to shotgun a couple beers will be the psychedelic Warrior himself,  Beto O'Rourke, because he is the only other candidate on stage who has had anything resembling polling numbers at four percent or more for any stretch of time.

Also in this group will be Amy 'the Comb' Klobuchar, Spartacus Booker, Tulsi Gabbard(?), Julio, no that's Juan, no it's Julio, Castro, Jay Inslee(?) Tim Ryan(?), and....oh yeah, that big goofy guy who runs New York City, Bill de Bolsheviki.

Then on Thursday night, it will be all the important people. Plugs Biden, Bernie Sanders, Kamala what's her name and Mayor Pete, all together and yelling at each other or being nice, we just don't know. Also on Thursday's line up will be Chrissy Gigglebrand, Michael Bennet(?), John Hickenlooper, Eric Swalwell, and at this night's kid table will be Oprahs's gurl friend, Marianne 'deep breathe' Williamson and Andy Yang, because apparently the dems had two free tickets to give away and those guys were the 9th caller into the radio station.

Both events begin at 9 PM Eastern and will be aired on MSNBC, NBC, and on Telemundo in Spanish for voters who haven't sneaked across the border yet. The moderators will include Chucky Todd, the lovely Ricky Maddow and José Diaz-Balart Hernandez Mendoza Rodriguez, but Maddow is only doin' the second hour on both nights (cause he's a star), whereas Chuck Todd (am I the only one who thinks he looks like a pervert) is doing the first hour.  So if you decide to watch the circus, let's just say you have time to go out to dinner before you go home to watch the debates. If you like real dumb shit though, that first hour is gonna be your JAM. It's all those fools doing a "debate," where they are only allowed to answer for 60 seconds, with 30 seconds for follow-up questions, so they better have their zingers at the ready!

But just in case you DO watch and your brain begins to turn to mush, we give you our recommends for sweet relief in an alternative mind numb to watch. The schedule for HGTV on those two nights.

9:00 PM: "Property Brothers, Forever Home."
This is the newest incarnation of the "Property Brothers" series, where the two gentlemen who are identical twins who look alike do nice things to people's houses and make them say "shut the front door!" when they see their new shiplap and quartz countertops. OOOOH!

10:00 PM: "House Hunters." You know the drill, it is totally fake. Sometimes the houses they are looking at are not even houses they considered buying. Tomorrow night's episode will be about some rich people from DC who really want a fucking beach house in South Carolina.

Thursday 9:00 PM: "Christina On The Coast."
OK honestly, have not watched this show yet, because the promos drive me up the wall. It's a new show from some chick named Christina Anstead, who was previously known as Christina El Moussa, who did the Flippity Floppity show with Tarek El Moussa, who was previously known as her husband but then they got divorced and she married a guy named "Ant" and this is her new show and the promos are obnoxious.

9:30 PM: "Unspouse My House." On second thought, DO NOT WATCH THIS SHOW. The host, Orlando Soria, is the most flaming gay ever on television in the history of broadcasting, which seemed appropriate to somebody at the network for a show that helps people move on from divorces and break-ups. (Yeah, that's what I was thinkin')

It is especially funny though when he is redoing a house for some black 300 pound former NFL football player or an MMA fighter dude. But I repeat: Guys, DO NOT WATCH THIS SHOW!! After 30 minutes of this guy swishing around and picking out fabulous drapes, you may well find yourself prancing all around the house in your wife's sunflower flip-fops, coloring your hair pastel green, and singing show tunes like Bette Midler into your hairbrush in front of the dresser mirror. You Have Been warned! 

As for me, I'll tune in once and awhile for y'all,  to see if Joe and Bernie are on the floor wrestling, and to find out what new shit we are all gonna get free. Me, I'm hopen' for free Ice Cream & Lawn Maintenance myself.......

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~