Showing posts with label Middle Finger News service.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Middle Finger News service.. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 25, 2023

DMF Set to Dominate Industry With New Men's Grooming Products Line

Let Us Help Turn You Into An Absolutely Irresistible Hunk Of Burning Man Meat 


Our new line of men’s grooming products is cutting edge, down-to-earth, and isn’t sold in colors not already present in a storm cloud. In short, it’s perfect for you: a big, strong man. Or aspiring big, strong man. Or those who feel a tangential relationship to the idea of being a big, strong man. The men who buy our products are bold—fearless. But not in a Taylor Swift way.

The guys who buy our products are earth-shakers. Trend-setters. Body-builders (in the loosest sense). They’re jet setters and homeowners and savants. They’re strong and wiry and rude to waiters. They’re self-described “providers,” but they won’t say no to splitting the bill.

They’re overconfident in their sense of direction and a danger to themselves in nature. You know, guy’s guys. Outdoorsy types. Grill masters. Flannel wearers. We make our products for the kind of guy who doesn’t chop his own firewood but is definitely interested in the idea. The kind of guy who doesn’t play a sport professionally but played a little in high school and enjoys bringing it up in conversation.

Our grooming products are for guys who hear “self-care” and think, “not for me.” Guys who hear “basic grooming” and think, “that’s woman stuff.” They’re for guys who would only buy a hand balm if it was marketed to bare-knuckle boxers, and those who would only buy a razor in black, blue, or steel.

You wear carpenter pants and sturdy boots that keep your feet warm while at your nine-to-five office job. It’s drafty as hell in there, but you’d never ask them to turn up the thermostat. You’re not that kind of guy. You’re the kind of guy who thinks deodorants shouldn’t make you smell better—just different. The kind of guy who’s interested in smelling like “Out West” or “Mulch” or “Under the Bed”—who wouldn’t be caught dead smelling like the first day of spring (a woman’s season) unless, of course, it was the first day of spring during a zombie apocalypse or something.

With products like “Bar Fight” beard oil, “RAGE” lip balm, and “Back in My Day” rejuvenating face masks, our customers can pamper themselves while remaining secure in the idea that, if they tried, they could bowl professionally.

If this sounds like you, check out our products today—sold exclusively online like all good shit should be!

As a gift to you, DMF will be sending you a personal gift pack of our new products in appreciation of your loyalty. Our lawyers advised us we needed to confirm no toxicity or side affect are still present in the products. So if you experience dizziness, explosive diarrhea or internal organs turning to liquid, stop using product immediately. 

*All disclaimers are hereby claimed!

Sunday, May 3, 2020

POLL: Joe Biden's Top Five VP Picks

 MFN Political Correspondent Earl Done This
(poll margin of error +/- kinda maybe 50% or so)  

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Capital Hill Police Issue Alert


Capital Hill Police
Wednesday -1:00 AM
For Immediate Release:

Capital Hill Police do hereby issue warning to all Congressional members, their staff and all Capital Hill support employees to DO NOT position oneself either on purpose or by accident between the Senator from New York, Chuck Schumer, and any Network News Reporter, camera or microphone this Wednesday morning. 
The risk of being knock down or run over and trampled by the Senator while rushing to get to any nearby microphone or camera to take full credit for saving the country with the Coronavirus Stimulus Bill negotiated late last night is considered very high and likely. 
The Senator's past history make it imperative all personnel on the Hill today to be on the lookout, be of concern and take extreme care in this matter.

Monday, August 22, 2016

White House Denies Rumors Of Zika Outbreak on Martha’s Vineyard

MFNS- The White House moved quickly to squelch growing rumors of a possible Zika virus outbreak on Martha’s Vineyard Sunday evening. The rumors were sparked by the shocking appearance of the President and First Lady when they returned from their annual summer vacation on the island.

Pictures from the press pool seems to indicate that something is very wrong.
You can read the complete report Here.