House Chamber Temporarily Evacuated

MFNS-WASHINGTON - Late Friday night near panic struck the Chamber of the House of Representatives during a debate before those present of a bill sponsored by democrats for federal funding the construction of "Transgender Only Driving Lines" within California's Federal Highway system. The bill was Sponsored by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Cal.) 

The debate was interrupted when House Speaker Paul Ryan notice Pelosi, at the dais at the time, head began to violently quiver from side to side. Middle Finger News Congressional Correspondent, Ima Gonagetu spoke to Speaker Ryan after the incident:

"I knew something was wrong when Minority Leader Pelosi began slurring her words and her face began to contort and could hear a metallic popping sound...... and then heard the House Clerk scream and saw blood running down her forearm as she passed out and fell face first onto her desk....... I yelled THERE SHE BLOWS and headed for the door....."

What many who worked closely with Pelosi over the years feared would someday happen, happened. The permanent metal staples from her many massive face-lifts had begun to let loose. There was shrapnel in the air.

Along with the House Clerk, the august Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga.) also sustained a flying staple injury on the cheek. 

"I'm Okay. I feel honored to have shed blood in this hallowed hall in an honorable cause for our Transgendered citizens  ......as honored as when I got my head bashed in with a brick during the Civil Rights movement." 

The few in congress who were there ignoring Pelosi's speech ducked under their desk for cover while others ran for the door. Many of the members later found metal staples lodge in the back of their suit coats.

One such Congressman was Rep. Bullet-Head Elijah Cummings (D-Md.) who told us of his harrowing experience: 

"There was fear in the air when everyone realized what was going on. I hadn't been that scared since last time I walked through my district after dark! It was scary!" 

Minority Leader Pelosi was restrained and removed from the House floor, later to be spotted exiting an unmarked van at Walter Reed Army Hospital with a large Walmart bag over her head.

DEVELOPING...

Post Inaugural: MSNBC Panel Fawns Over Michelle Obama's.....Buttocks

MFNS-Washington DC.- In the final minutes of the MSNBC coverage of Donald Trump being sworn in as 45th President, in order to steer the subject away from Trump, Chris Matthews invited several of the network’s past and present commentators who covered the Obamas over the last 8 years to pay tribute to former First Lady Michelle Obama.

It was classic MSNBC lunacy.....

CHRIS MATTHEWS:  A couple of days ago the remarkable Michelle Obama celebrated her 53th birthday. I thought we would end tonight’s show by taking a few moments to reflect upon a sensational African American first lady. Ed Schultz, my good union friend, your thoughts on our gracious former first lady.

ED SCHULTZ: I know that she’s a beautiful lady, Chris. I can tell you that.

MATTHEWS: So you wouldn’t kick her out of bed for …

SCHULTZ: For eating crackers? Heck no. She can eat all the crackers she wants. Hell, she can eat a greasy double cheeseburger with a side order of cheesy fries and wipe her hands on the sheets.

AL SHARPTON: (smiling) What would a good lookin’ Black African American woman of color be doing in bed with a fat white boy like you, Ed?

SCHULTZ: (laughing) Hey, even fat white boys have fantasies.

SHARPTON: Are you frantasizing about Michelle Obama or the double cheeseburger?

MATTHEWS: What about you, Rachel. You’re a lesbian, would you kick the first lady out of bed?

Local Lefty Business Man Extends Welcome To Refugees

Blinkie Carsdale - Owner Operator of Mystical Coffee Bar and Bong Emporium 

My Independent Coffee Shop Welcomes All Refugees That Can Afford a Six Dollar Latte

Op-ed by Blinkie Carsdale

The Mystical Coffee Bar is all about coffee and inclusion. That is why our new policy is that all refugees are always welcome in our café so long as they can afford a six dollar small latte (cash only).

Owning a small independent coffee shop is about more than just making money. It's about being a part of a community. A community that we would love to welcome you into, just as soon as you decide what drink you would like. I take my role as a community leader very seriously. I'm not just some uncaring businessman ripping people off. I am fueling the members of my neighborhood as they start their day so they can go out and make a difference in the world.

This would probably be a good time to mention each refugee needs to buy his or her own drink if they wish to stay in the café.

Now I know that our latté’s aren't cheap, especially on a refugee salary, but that's because we pay our workers a fair wage and only use cruelty-free beans in our coffee. We charge more because we are fighting back against a capitalistic system that marginalizes common people to enrich the powerful. Moments like these are why I started my own business. I truly look forward to you coming to the register with your six dollars (cash only) so I can show you how much The Mystical Coffee Bar supports the downtrodden of our society.  

But I do have to ask that you not beg our customers for money. It makes them feel uncomfortable.

Barky To Say Farewell - Unveil Mock-up of Library

"Since George Washington, U.S. presidents have often delivered a final address to the American people as a way to share both their reflections on their time in office and their outlook on the future of our country. As his time in office comes to a close, President Obama will return to Chicago to deliver his Farewell Address on the evening of January 10, 2017."

Besides expertly glossing over his abject failure as a leader, on the occasion of the President's speech will be the unveiling of a mock up of his soon to be built massive Presidential Library in his home town.

"The same streets where a young community organizer once inspired his community to take action will serve as the home base for a foundation that will organize and inspire people of all backgrounds and beliefs to better their communities, their country and their world." 

Middle Finger News™ was given a sneak peek of the proposed entrance to the hallowed halls of The Obama Presidential Library (pictured below) to be on display to the public after the speech.

Our own intrepid MFNS reporter Earl of Taint early in 2015 submitted his own design to the Presidential Library Conceptual Design Contest. We wait eagerly to see if Earl will be honored with his design acceptance. If so, Earl will personally be on-site to oversee the massive complex construction of Library, Amusement Park and Progressive Friendly "George Michael Memorial Public Restroom" facilities.

Thank You MJA and Doug Ross Journal for  the Linkage 

MSM Fake News Indicator Chart

U.S. to Add Al-gebra to List of Terror Organisations

MFNS - The United States is moving to add followers of the Mysterious Islamic Cult System Al-Gebra to its list of terror organizations today. The move follows an incident by a follower of Algebra who was praying loudly while practicing his beliefs on an overseas flight, leading to a security alert.

Founded by Mohammed al-Khwarizmi in Central Asia in the 9th century,  Al-gebra has brought nothing but despair and misery ever since, especially during year 6 math lessons. Al-Gebra is described as an ‘inhuman system’ which teaches initiates that everything can be replaced with a number.

Followers are expected to devote their lives to finding a mysterious and eternally unknowable entity known as ‘X’, a process which involves complex rituals and often a great deal of prayer. A common Al-Gebra prayer is said to go “Oh, God, this is impossible. Just please tell me what the hell X is.”

Many children exposed to Al-Gebra teachings report feelings of horror and anger, especially if it's just before Physical Education Class. It’s often quite easy to spot the more devoted Al-Gebra follower, as they "tend to have a beard, leather patches on the elbows of their jackets and smoke a pipe,” we were told.

Many play Dungeons and Dragons as well, and that's always a cause for concern.

A spokesman for Homeland Security told MFNS "the public can be reassured that we have well-developed and robust algorithms to help us keep the public safe."

h/t Thumper

Thank You MJA for the Linkage

MFNS Breaking News......

Delta Force Training for January 20, 2017 Mission

"Watch Out Men, She's Got a Sniper Rifle"

MFNS - Middle Finger News Service has confirmed rumors that have swirled for weeks in the military community of the training of special forces units for a secret mission, slated for inauguration Day 2017.  Lt. General Ward Hawk of 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment Central Command (Delta) told MFNS the Pentagon has given the green light to special training of Delta Force Commando Units.

The mission (code named unknown) came about because of intelligence gathered recently by White House Military Personal of a disturbing private conversion overheard between two White House residents. 

In a tape of a loud and spirited conversation recorded in the White House family residence, Marion 'Moms' Robinson, Mother of First Lady Michelle Obama, reportedly told her daughter she felt slighted after reading a report on a fake news site called The Boston Tribune, and repeated by dumbass bloggers, that Moms Robinson would receive a yearly $160,000 taxpayer funded retirement for being Mooch's mother. During the same conversation Mrs. Robinson was angrily heard to say she was "under no circumstances" leaving the White House after Mr. Obama's term is up:

"I know that big eared nigga I told you not to marry is gonna take my daughter and grand babies off to live in the lap of luxury in Hawaii and send my ass back to an old folks home in that crime ridden Chicago! NO MA'AM....ain't gonna happen! I ain't moving out........I ain't going nowheres. THIS PLACE IS MY REPARATIONS!" Uh Huh.

First Lady and Moms Robinson in Cuba

General Hawk told us the commando units are training for the dangerous mission to forcefully remove Moms Robinson from her luxurious, private third floor White House apartment she has occupied  free of charge since the inauguration of Barrack Obama in 2009. Due to the dangers of a Urban warfare mission of this type, volunteers were asked to step forward. When none did, orders were issued to assign members of the elite Delta Force commando ranks. 

Word is that the Navy Seals will also train for a like mission at the Navel Observatory, the residence of the Vice president,  just in case the Joe Biden barricades himself in a closet. 

The Historical First The Media Refuses To Acknowledge

Op-ed
by Middle Finger News Service Janitor TIM:

Through all the noise of the media about scandals, who is and who isn't fit to be president and the first woman nominated....blah blah blah, there's one story that sadly for many in this great nation like me, goes unreported.

The highway of history is littered with TIMs kicked into the ditch. Throughout our lifetimes, we TIMs have repeatedly had to endure humiliation thanks to the misguided actions of a few bad apples sharing our name. Who are the first TIMs that come to mind? How about Dr. Timothy Leary, the hippie college professor and psychologist whose name is synonymous with LSD and the launch of the drug culture in America in the late sixties? Or perhaps you thought of Timothy McVeigh, notorious domestic terrorist. Even in the movies, when asked who was the WORST James Bond ever, everybody knows the correct answer: Timothy Dalton, of course.

There have been plenty of people with names like John, Robert, William, and James selected to run as Vice President – and a whole bunch of Dicks. There have even been VP candidates with obscure names like Chester, Rufus, and Hannibal. (Honest.) But until this year, there has never been a single person named TIM selected to be a presidential or vice presidential candidate.

The media won’t talk about this dirty little secret, but we TIM’s have been pushed around or ignored politically for the past 220 years. For too long, TIM’s have had to live with the cruel acceptance that our name was primarily associated with cripples and freaks — from the pitiful Tiny Tim in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol to the grotesque long-haired oddball ukulele-playing singer who, using that same name, became embarrassingly famous for his falsetto rendition of Tiptoe Through the Tulips. 

Speaking of music, there are scores of memorable songs with people’s names for the title: Michele, by the Beatles, Abraham, Martin, and John, by Dion, or Barbara Ann by the Beach Boys. The list is endless. But have you ever heard of a song with TIM in the title? No, you haven’t. No, wait a minute. I stand corrected. There actually was ONE song with TIM in the title. Written in 1970, the song Timothy told the story of three men trapped in a collapsed mine, two of whom resorted to cannibalism against the third guy ..... that’s right, they ate Tim.

And I remember sitting on my dad’s lap as a young child, asking him, “Dad, do you think someday someone named TIM could ever grow up to be President of the United States?”.....to which he would usually say, “I’m sorry. Who are you?” When I would remind him I was his youngest son, he would pause and say, “A president named TIM? Seriously?” Then he’d laugh and laugh at such an inconceivable notion.

Oh sure, 2016 may be remembered by some as the year our nation finally elects a woman president. Tim Kaine may be a blathering idiot, but if you ask me, objectively speaking, the far bigger story is that this will be remembered as The Year of TIM – The year America finally puts someone named Tim in the White House.

*TIM is MFNS senior journeyman janitor and a keen observer of culture. He is a longtime resident of the YMCA and one of the nation's foremost collectors and experts on antique sports whistles. 

Chaos Reigns As BLM Protesters Are Killed In Freak Incident

MFNS -OAKLAND - Dozens of San Fransisco Bay Area protesters allied with the 'Black Lives Matter' movement, along with members of an opposing group called 'All Lives Matter', were killed Sunday in a freak astronomical incident. 

The BLM activists had gathered outside police headquarters to protest the shooting of a dark-skinned man in rural Afghanistan who allegedly did not drop his missile launcher when ordered to by Afghan police. The ALM activists showed up to counter the BLM group, and also to “defend all lives,” according to the chapter president's Facebook page.

However, their heated back-and-forth proved all for naught when a large flaming meteorite shot through the sky and slammed into the ground precisely where the protesters were hurling insults at each other and Police. The resultant explosion created shockwaves felt as far away as Palo Alto.  Passersby rushed to the crater, shouting abuse at the Police and accusing the Oakland Police Department of failing to protect citizens against falling celestial objects.

In an effort to calm the angry crowd, Bay Area geologist Stanley Lapide was brought in to shed the light of science on the bizarre occurrence, but instead he ended up inadvertently causing further disruption:

“The victims of this meteorite came here today to insist that their lives mattered. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but they were wrong. You could say that their lives mattered a little bit.”

"The victims were vaporized, some molecules from their bodies drifted upwards and have been sucked into a jet stream. According to calculations I’ve just done in my head, that would yield a .00002 percent chance that they will affect the weather in some very imperceptible way, perhaps by adding a few drops of water to a light drizzle over some remote stretch of the Atlantic Ocean.”

So, do black, white, or any lives matter he asked? He then suddenly stiffened and fell to the ground after being tasered by police who mistook him as a member of BLM. The esteemed professor was whisked away by ambulance. 

By that time, news of the unprovoked tazing had spread via Twitter with the hashtag #geolivesmatter, and dozens of faculty members from UC Berkeley’s Earth and Planetary Sciences Department showed up with signs reading “Geo Science Lives Matter” and “I’m Giving A Free Public Science Lecture, Bro, Don’t Taze Me.”

Later, when an armored police swat van accidentally backed over several of the scientists, the rookie officer who had only joined the force the day before and had forgotten to put on his glasses that morning was yanked out of his vehicle and beaten by a group of angry Stanford geophysicists who had just arrived by bus.  

Hillary Goes After the Disaffected Millenial Vote

MFNS - After having to fend off rumors of a health collapse, sinking poll numbers, losing support in swing states, ever increasing unpopularity in her home state, and fearing that her popularity among young voters has fallen to a critically low, Hillary Clinton this weekend adopted a "new look" to appeal to millennials in New York City who are describe as suffering from angst and alienation.

Speaking before the 24th Annual Goth Fest & Marilyn Manson Makeup Convention,  Clinton showcased her new look at the event on Saturday  dressed in an Edwardian corset, a lacy black dress, knee-high studded boots and a variety of occult jewelry.  A spokesperson for the Clinton 2016 campaign insists that while the transformation may appear to be a cheap political stunt, it actually reflects the candidate's deepest and until recently, most secret beliefs.

"We are hemorrhaging support to that [expletive] Trump so we put drab ol’ Hillary in front of a mirror and asked ourselves some really tough questions, like if her style really speaks to today’s disaffected youth," said A. Hola, a longtime Clinton strategist who, as a high school student in the early 1990s, wore only black and went by the name Raven. 

Clinton told her audience: 

"Look around, my fellow Americans, and you’ll see that everything is in a state of decay The only certainty in life is death, and it is death we must espouse if we are to live fully. I say it’s time for a new political aesthetic, that we find beauty in the macabre. If you elect me as president, I’ll paint the White House black.  Visiting heads of state will be forced to confront their own mortality. Instead of backing down from Russian president Vladimir Putin at a UN summit, I’ll present him with the skull of a beloved Victorian poet.”

Donald Trump, he's dead, but he doesn't even know it yet. Even worse, he is mundane. He bores me.

And long before I was a grandmother in a lime-green pantsuit building up my foreign policy credentials, I was an angry young outsider who despised the conformity of my peers. Few know this, but while living in the Arkansas Governor’s Mansion in the 1980s, I was a prolific writer of Anne Rice fan fiction, and I used to dye my hair black until Bill told me it was unbecoming." 

When asked what advantage she has over her Republican rival, Clinton pointed to the two terms she served in the Senate, experience she gained while heading the State Department, and her mint-condition collection of all 13 albums released by The Cure. 

Obama Holds Secret Meetings

North Korea Continues to Dominate Olympic Gold

via the Tweeter

Scientists Report Society Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans

JTP Hogsdon and His Social Research Team

MFNS - Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

The research, conducted  Dr. JTP Hogsdon  and his team at the University of West Central Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them. More worryingly, Hogsdon told us, as facts have multiplied, their defenses against those facts have only grown more powerful.  The normal functions of human consciousness have been completely nullified.

"What we find most puzzling are the strain of fact-resistant humans that seem to deny that aiming a gun at a law enforcement officer is not going to end well, strapping a bomb to themselves does not advance the religion of peace, and most puzzling to us in our findings, why people continue to vote Democrat?" 

While scientists have no clear understanding of the mechanisms that prevent the fact-resistant humans from absorbing data, they theorize that the strain may have developed the ability to intercept and discard information en route from the auditory nerve to the brain.  While reaffirming the gloomy assessments of the study, Hogsdon held out hope that the threat of fact-resistant humans could be mitigated in the future. “Our research is very preliminary, but it's possible that they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, water, or oxygen,” he said.

Thank You MJA for the Linkage

Radical Gay Vegetarians Take to the Streets in Protest

Thank You MJA for the Linkage!

Obama Issues Executive Order 72

(MFNS) -With pen in hand, Barack Obama has moved in support of the Social Justice Warriors and their fight against Inequality with another Transformational Executive Order, #72. The White House released a statement on the latest Presidential decree late Saturday after a rumored particularly bad day for the President on his latest Golf Outing.

President Obama issued Executive Order 72.01 laying down new rules and regulations for all future games of golf played inside the continental United States, military installations, territories and protectorates.  Direct enforcement will fall to the Equal Opportunity Administration in conjunction with strict oversight by Homeland Security and Local and State Law Enforcement. Major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective July 1, 2016.

This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expected to be 2716 pages) is being rewritten as we speak. 

Here are a few of the changes:

Golfers with handicaps:

- Below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.

- Between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.

 - Above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.

The term "gimmie" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:

- Handicaps below 10, no entitlements.

- Handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.

 - Handicaps above 18, if your ball is on the green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.  In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. 

Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.  This is intended to "re-distribute" the success of winning by making sure that in all competitions every Player above an 18 handicap will post only "net score" against every other player's "gross score". 

"These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. 

This is the "Right thing to do." 

So, please remember; if you shot a round of golf under par, you didn't shoot it yourself. Someone else built that course, and someone else cut the grass so that you could play on it. Someone else built the clubs and the cart.

_________________________________________________________ 

North Korea Successfully Test Crashes Ballistic Missile

MIDDLE FINGER NEWS NORK BUREAU   

Pyongyang - The North Korean Peoples Ministry of Truth told MFNS today the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea's military announced the fourth in a series of successful Test Crashes of a intermediate-range Musudan ballistic missile.   

The missile was test-fired from the eastern city of Wonsan at 5:20AM Tuesday. The missile flew gloriously for the required four seconds and was then test crashed. 

According to the Ministry of Truth, "this was the latest in a string of missile crash tests to insure the structural integrity of the the world's most advanced defensive weapon system." It was also a "clear message to the aggressive ambitions and belligerent threatening rhetoric of the Big Eared Imperialist Warmongering Leader of the West of the rapid advancement and superiority of North Korea Peoples Military technology." 

Donald Trump Announces First Pick For Official WH Staff

Helen Keller Photography Work Sold at Auction

Middle Finger News Service - Of all the accomplishments of Helen Keller, the least known was her love of photography. Recently a small collection of her work was auctioned off for an amazing price to an anonymous bidder. Included in the collection was one of the first known selfies, (below) taken in 1923, and given to her teacher and mentor Anne Sullivan with a note written on back, "My hair is a mess, such a windy day."

Before They Were Cool, A Selfie by Helen Keller