Li’l Donald

Mrs. Abernathy called the roomful of eleven-year-olds to order and told them to open their math books to page thirty-one. Her eyes scanned the class and came to rest on a stocky boy beneath a dome of golden hair, who was making grotesque faces at a girl.

“Donald! What is the square root of a hundred and forty-four?”

The boy turned his attention to the teacher with sleepy-eyed indifference. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“What is the square root of a hundred and forty-four?”

“Do I know the square root of a hundred and forty-four? Is that what you’re asking me? Of course I do. It’s absurd that you would even ask me that.”

“Please tell the class what it is.”

“You want ME to tell the class? Excuse me—aren’t you supposed to be the teacher? I think we can all agree that, if anyone around here is going to tell the class the square root of a hundred and forty-four, you should be the one to do it. If you even know the square root of a hundred and forty-four—which, frankly, I have my doubts.”

This last phrase was delivered to three boys sitting across the aisle from the blond boy. They giggled.

“Do you know the answer, Donald?”

“Do I know the answer? Lady, I am super-smart. My I.Q. is, like, many multiples of the square root of a hundred and forty-four. Beyond anything you have seen in this grammar school, believe me.”

“Then you can tell us the square root of a hundred and forty-four.”

“Listen, I know the square root of a hundred and forty-four. I have known it for YEARS.”

“What is it?”

A Good Monday Morning

DMF Endorsement For President of the United States

Editorial
The Board of Middle Finger News Service

As we look upon the coming primary season soon to begin, the prospects are not pleasant in our eyes. On one side, we see a corrupt lying Grandmother, with a lecherous spouse, who is running for the nations highest office while the specter of indictment for high crimes and misdemeanors hang over her head.  Pitted against her a mumbling wild haired communist hippie left behind by the 1960's. Neither are our cup of tea in any fashion. And as the Republican side is for all intent and purpose down to two major candidates, one of which will soon be ruled ineligible because of birth, and the GOPe establishment's ongoing conspiracy to rig the game and deny the nomination to the second in favor of their own RINO stooge, we are forced to look for a viable candidate to support elsewhere.  

In the past few days, talk has been swirling in some political circles of a dark-horse candidate who has floated a trial balloon to see if there's a possibility of wide spread support. After much yelling and debate, we at DMF/ MFNS have, with further investigation and discussion decided to back this dark-horse: MFNS's Own Earl of Taint.

Earl is a simple man of integrity, not a political insider. He believes the government should get the Hell out of the way and leave us alone. His strong suit is his understanding of simple economics: You can't spend more than you take in and we need to stop the idiotic wasteful spending.   We see Earl as twisted enough to scare our enemies, and we know he will not have any empty sexual harassment allegations leveled at him as some candidates have in the past because as far as we know, no women have gone near him in years.

We at DMF / Middle Finger News Service firmly believe in an Earl of Taint candidacy, and wholeheartedly endorse his campaign for the Presidency.

It has come to us that he has visited with some potential advisers with impressive credentials, including the likes of the eccentric but knowledgeable Professor Marvin Butouski of the South Eastern Central State Junior College Ethnic Physics Department, and Snags Fitch, Grand Poobah of the Texas Masonic Elks Optimist Club.  His potential Cabinet appointees we find also impressive. Mentioned as a possible pick for Commerce Secretary is English born Harold Ashcott Hayes lll, the billionaire Texas Tampon Magnate, and for Transportation Secretary, Link Pilsner, former outlaw biker and expert on the nation's back roads and highway systems.

On Foreign Policy, we here at Middle Finger News Service unfortunately do not agree with Earl's long standing insistence on overthrowing the government of Paraguay in retaliation for his 1991 conviction (later overturned) for importing Toupees made from hair of endangered species. We do feel his world views would be tempered by his close friend and possible choice for Secretary of State, Klash Bazbo, who should be over the ugly head wound suffered in a recent bar confrontation political debate, and out of physical therapy in time to be confirmed.

The only possible problem we see with presently put forward Cabinet choices in Congressional Conformation Hearings could be the pick for Attorney General, Vincent “The Knee" Carbuzio. Mr. Carbuzio is a Houston businessman and expert on Law and the Federal Correction System, having been through it many times.

The Editorial Board of Middle Finger News endorses Mr. Taint because we too believe it's time to cut the crap and get the government off our backs. We also believe this is the first and most important endorsement of The Earl of Taint for President Campaign, with many to follow in our steps.

( NOTE: If you have any suggestions for a Taint Campaign Slogan, please leave them in the comments.)

The Tweeter-in-Chief: @POTUS Hosts a Twitter Q&A

Whitehouse.gov

President Obama took to Twitter to engage Americans on the real progress we've made to move our country forward and discuss how we can continue taking action to address the challenges and opportunities in the years ahead. After a town hall at McKinley High School in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, the President answered #AskPOTUS questions on a range of topics facing Americans right now.

The most asked question: 
Mr. President, where the hell is Baton Rouge and WTF are you doing there?

Brotherman Visits Baton Rouge

Obama swooped into the state capital in all his majesty yesterday to meet and have his ring kissed by our newly elected Governor. Later he ventured out for a taste of local cuisine, and afterward was quickly reminded he wasn't in Chicago....

ISIS Premiers New Talk Show For Women

MIDDLE FINGER NEWS SERVICE:

Raqqa Syria - ISIS today premiered their much anticipated Islamic version of the American television show "The View" on the Islamic state's official Syrian television channel. Geared towards the female adherence of  the 'Religion of Peace',  the hosts Wajhi, Daryri and Joy, cover such important topics as the latest in Burka fashions, Halal Food recipes, choosing the proper fitting suicide belt,  goat grooming, European travel tips as well as advice on proper etiquette for attending public executions.

My Hopes of Becoming a World Leader Have Been Throughly Dashed!

With so many people on the republican side of the isle jumping on the runaway birther train, riding it all the way to CruzCan’tBePresidentVille, and gettin' all up in his stuff, Senator Ted Cruz fights an uphill battle. Donald Trump kicked it off of course, because Trump is that guy who will always go there. And Senator Grouch McCain gleefully joined in for the fun of kicking a man while he’s down Canadian. Carly Fiorina hasn't quite said he was a dirty foreigner yet, but did point out that Cruz only just recently started loving America instead of making love to Canada. I guess we shouldn’t be so surprised that even his Senate colleagues have declined to defend him on this front.

And then the Washington Post had to go and make everything worser by finding a constitutional law professor lady, one Mary Brigid McManamon of Widener University’s Delaware Law School, to write an entire op-ed  about how Senator Ted cannot be president on account of the fact that his mother pushed him out of her female lady parts while in the frozen socialist tundra of Canada rather than the USA. Now, because a lawyer who is also a professor lady wrote it, and because that lawyer who is also a professor lady is fighting with some other lawyers (probably chauvinist males types) who already wrote about how all-American Senator Ted is, the op-ed has one million lawyer words. We’ve helpfully skimmed over it and given myself a bad headache in order to find and bring you the money shot:

"The Constitution provides that “No person except a natural born citizen . . . shall be eligible to the office of President.” […] On this subject, the common law is clear and unambiguous. The 18th-century English jurist William Blackstone, the preeminent authority on it, declared natural-born citizens are “such as are born within the dominions of the crown of England,” while aliens are “such as are born out of it.” The key to this division is the assumption of allegiance to one’s country of birth."

She also apparently feels so strongly about Senator Ted not being eligible to be president that she went and wrote an entire law review article  about the Natural Born Citizen Clause last year, merrily name-checking Cruz throughout. She gets all deep down and dirty originalist and textualist about it, just the way we conservatives like, and she concludes:

"The introduction to this Article posed a question: “in the eyes of early Americans, would someone born in a foreign country of American parents be a ‘natural born citizen’ and therefore eligible to be President of the United States?” The pertinent historical materials lead to only one conclusion: aside from children born to U.S. ambassadors or soldiers in hostile armies, the answer is “no.”

So I guess she showed Senator Ted, and he should just pack it in and give it up. The Wapo's  Constitutional Lawyer Lady friend from Delaware has spoken. And I, sharing the same unfortunate and unconstitutional black mark on my being, having been launched from my American Mother's female lady parts while in a foreign country, my devious future plans of becoming the first Lady Dictator Leader of the American people are officially dashed. I'm utterly crushed and devastated.