Showing posts with label Nork News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nork News. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Kim Jong Un Wins Inaugural DPRK Grand Prix Road Race

MFNS PYONGYANG - The Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea today announces that Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has bested the world in Pyongyang in the first DPRK Grand Prix Road Race for three wheeled racing machines.  Dear Leader Kim drove to a glorious victory in front of hundreds of thousands of adoring spectators as they cheered. The race was held at the new Dennis Rodman Memorial Racing Complex, formerly the site of Kim's Father, Kim Jong Il's favorite Korean stick farm.

Kim challenged road racing's best drivers in the world to come and compete against him in North Korea's new three wheeled 'Fookwad' M3 Formula 6 class racing machines and prove once again to the world the superiority of North Korean technology. And to prove his superior abilities to handle the tricky high powered three wheeled machines, Dear Leader Kim humbly offered to the rest of the drivers that he start the race from the back row.

Dear Leader more than proved his driving abilities by taking the lead soon after the first turn and lapping the entire field numerous times while leading all 1500 laps of the race. 

Race Video via ESPN Pyongyang    

Monday, June 12, 2017

Amateur Diplomat Dennis Rodman to Visit North Korea And Spend Some Quality Time With Flathead

Amid heighten tension over threatening missile launches and the detention of 4 american citizens, the androgynous cross dressing freak of nature and Basketball legend Dennis Rodman is said to be on his way to North Korea to visit his long time pal, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un.
Business Insider- North Korean officials confirmed that Rodman was expected to arrive in Pyongyang, North Korea's capital, on Tuesday. A senior US official also confirmed Rodman's trip and said he was not there in an official capacity.  Rodman declined to answer questions when he was spotted by CNN journalists at Beijing International Airport. Rodman has visited North Korea at least four times — his last trip being in 2014 where he and former NBA All-Stars played an exhibition game as a "birthday present" for Kim Jong Un.  Rodman has in the past defended his trips as "basketball diplomacy" and called them a "great idea for the world."  However, Rodman has been accused of ignoring North Korea's human rights atrocities, including the case of American citizen Kenneth Bae, who was held prisoner and sentenced to forced labor by the regime for allegedly planning to overthrow the North Korean government.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

North Korea Test Newest Secret Weapon

MFNS - Pyongyang- Amid heightened tensions on the Korean Peninsula, the North Korean Military has just announce a successful test of it's newest and most secret weapon yet.  The "Ground Burst Defense Missile".

General Fong So Duh leader of the DPRK Defense Forces told MFNS the weapon tested today, launched from an undisclosed base near the city of Sinpo was part of the DPRK celebration of the 105th birth anniversary of its founding leader Kim Il-sung.

The General told us the "FUKYU 102" Missile is for close ground troop support and designed to explode immediately after launch, effectively showering the immediate area with falling sheet metal.  The launch area test subjects, three captured South Korean gofers, believed by the DPRK to be spies, and a mountain wildcat who wandered onto the site all died in the test. General Duh again reiterated to western media that the test shows the overwhelming technical superiority of the DPRK's scientific knowledge and military prowess.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Friday, April 7, 2017

Kim Jong Un Reportedly Flees to Open Sea After Informed of Syrian Air Strike

Middle Finger News Service

Kim flees Pyongyang by tugboat under cover of thick morning fog 
to safety aboard DPRK Poo Class Submarine off the coast.

Thank You MJA for the Linkage!

Kim Jong Un Awakens to Shock of Trump's Cruise Missile Strike on Syria

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

DPRK Disputes "Fake News" Reports of Failure of Dung Noodle ICBM Test.

MFNS Nork Bureau - Pyongyang: The official North Korean News Agency today issued a statement from the DPRK Ministry of Truth on the false and widely reported failure of the Nork's latest missile test by the American Fake News Media. The test was reportedly conducted early Wednesday over the Sea of Japan. 

In part the statement read:
"The valiant scientist of the the Missile Defense Forces of the Glorious Empire of the Peoples Republic of Korea today conducted a successfully test of the latest and most advanced version of the stealth 'Dung Noodle P33' Intercontinental Ballistic Missile. 
The test missile was launch from a super-secret base near the city of (deleted) in the eastern territory. After a successful launch and a few seconds of glorious flight the missile's highly advanced self-destruct circuits were initiated and successfully tested. 
After four successful crash tests of the secret Musudan Missile to test structural integrity,  the DPRK Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un and the highly smart scientist of the Glorious Empire of Korea again reiterate their unwavering commitment to build the Safest Weapons of Mass Destruction the world has ever know.  
This most recent test also sends a clear message to the Cheeto faced Capitalist Imperial Warmongering Leader of the West of the overwhelming superiority of the DPRK's scientific and military prowess......."  

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Kim Jong Un Blames Decadent U.S. For North Korean Food Shortage

MFNS Nork Bureau / Hana Ho - The Democratic People Republic of Korea State News Agency has told North Korean citizens to brace themselves for another "arduous march" forward in revolution' during which "we will have to chew the roots of plants once again".  Warning of impending food shortages, they asked the North Korean people to sacrifice for the good of the revolution.  

In a statement issued from the palace of Kim Jong Un and broadcast nationwide on television watching machines, the blame was laid directly on the United States.
"The decadent Imperialist United States and it's Big Eared Warmongering Leader, Hussein Obama, who has encouraged gluttony and immorality among people of the U.S. and the West, have consumed the entire world's food supply, including the seeds that sow in the abundantly rich fields of the Peoples Republic of Korean.
And because of the foolish actions of the United States and it's leaders by building mass supplies of military weapons to threaten war against the people of the DPRK, they have driven themselves into bankruptcy and can no longer afford to bargain for the worlds only supply of rich agricultural fertilizer produced by the great industrious people of DPRK.
Capitalism is a failure!  The west is Ripe for a Peoples Revolution! So we must remain strong in our coming "Arduous March"!  Therefore, Dear Leader Kim Jong Un orders that you forward 2 pounds of your rice supply to Pyongyang every month, starting immediately!"
As proof of the hardships experienced in the west, they included this documentary of the appalling circumstances in the U.S: 

(H/T Will Profit &Co. for Video) 

Sunday, March 13, 2016

U.S. Doubts North Korean Nuclear Delivery Capabilities

Nork Weapons Scientists Explain New A-Bomb Technology to Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Norks Claim to Have Miniaturized Weapons Arsenal

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un said the country has miniaturized nuclear warheads to be mounted on ballistic missiles and ordered improvements in the power and precision of its arsenal, its state media reported on Wednesday.
Kim has called for his military to be prepared to mount pre-emptive attacks against the United States and South Korea and stand ready to use nuclear weapons, stepping up belligerent rhetoric after coming under new U.N. and bilateral sanctions. Kim's comments released on Wednesday were his first direct mention of the claim, previously made repeatedly in state media, to have successfully miniaturized a nuclear warhead to be mounted on a ballistic missile, which is widely questioned.
North Korea conducted its fourth nuclear test on Jan. 6 claiming to have set off a miniaturized hydrogen bomb, which was disputed by many experts and the governments of South Korea and the United States. The blast detected from the test was simply too small to back up the claim, experts said at the time.

Thank You MJA for the Linkage!

Friday, April 3, 2015

North Korea Recruiting 'Pleasure Squad' for Kim Jong Un

"Pleasure squads" have existed in North Korea since the rule of the country's founder Kim Il Sung, grandfather of the present dictator. Officials were sent to select women and girls they deemed the prettiest to the dictator's many mansions, where they were expected to be available upon request.  The South Korean Paper Chosun Ilbo reports that Kim Jong Un became interested in re-forming the troupe while recovering from an undisclosed physical ailment at one of his summer cottages last year. 

The UK Telegraph reports that while most of the women were singers, dancers, or maids, those judged to be especially beautiful were made to be concubines to members of North Korea's elite power structure. 

According to the paper, many of the women were "retired" from the squads in their 20s and paired off with military officers looking for wives.   

The group that used to perform for Kim's father, Kim Jong Il, was disbanded shortly after the elder Kim's death in December 2011. The members were made to sign a pledge of secrecy in exchange for money and gifts. Toshimitsu Shigemura, a professor at Tokyo's Waseda University described as an authority on North Korean affairs, said that Kim believed the women who entertained his father knew too many state secrets.  

The Chosun Ilbo reported the women who worked as entertainers received an amount of money worth $4,000 before returning to their hometowns.  Women who worked in Kim's palaces and summer homes as maids and cleaners received about half that amount.

Both groups of women also reportedly received home appliances. 

Saturday, August 9, 2014

North Korea Spies on Obama's Martha's Vineyard Arrival


(Pyongyang) -The North Korean News Agency announced moments ago that the DPRK Navy had successfully completed a secret spy mission purposely directed at the  arrival  of the Presidential entourage on Martha's Vineyard. Nork News said the mission involved the DPRK Navy's first long voyage of their newest secret weapon, a propane/electric hybrid long range "Dung Class" submarine. (photos below)

A Military spokesman said the submarine was able to penetrate the Nantucket Sound under the cover of darkness Friday morning and navigate in daylight the coastal waters of Martha's Vineyard by running shallow while towing a cardboard cutout of Secretary of State John Kerry on a windsurfing board, assuring no one would pay any attention or come near.

The newest addition to the DPRK arsenals secret voyage was commanded by the North Korean Supreme Leader himself, 1st Admiral Kim Jong Un. The mission included spending 18 hours off Cape Cod Friday to gather intelligence and two undetected passes through the Vineyard Sound in daylight on Saturday.

The major news agencies remain skeptical of the story, but MFNS have obtained exclusive Nork Naval photos taken on the mission as proof the North Koreans did indeed pull off the spy mission undetected.

{Photos Courtesy of North Korean Navy}

North Korean Sub 001 surfaces the morning of Aug 8 off the coast of Cape Cod near the
Kennedy Compound to check for intelligence (sources said none was found)

Under the cover of thick early morning fog Aug 9, waiting the arrival of the mission target,   
Kim Jung un discusses the days mission strategy with his officers.

Trolling the coast of  Vineyard Sound at periscope depth, Admiral Kim observes President Obama's arrival on the Vineyard and later practicing his golf swing at the presidential retreat before hitting the links. Kim was heard to giggle "He swing club like girl 6 year old"

Periscope reconnaissance photo of First Lady Michelle Obama 
as she leisurely wades in the surf of Martha's Vineyard beach

Periscope reconnaissance photo of who the DPRK Naval Intelligence
believes to be Barack Obama. Debate rages in the North Korean
intelligence community as to whether this is really the President,
or just some goofy looking skinny black guy with no balls wandering
around the golf course near the Presidential retreat

Stay Tuned to Middle Finger News for any developments 
on the latest taxpayer funded Obama Vacation.

Friday, March 28, 2014

North Korean Leader Has Perfect NCAA Bracket

(Daily Currant) - North Korea announced today that its leader Kim Jung-Un has a perfect NCAA tournament bracket on the road to the final four of the prestigious collegiate basketball competition.

Our dear leader has once again vanquished the capitalist slime with his superior brainpower. While the imperialist scum sided with the largest, most powerful programs, Kim Jung-Un foresaw the power of underdog squadrons."
A contest sponsored by Warren Buffet promised to give $1 billion to anyone with a perfect bracket at the end of the tournament. Every contestant has already been eliminated.

Although Kim did not officially enter the contest, officials in Pyongyang are hoping Buffet will nevertheless send the billion dollars if their leader keeps his perfect bracket though the championship game.

The government of North Korea fully expects the capitalist cockroach Warren Buffett to pay us $1 billion for winning his NCAA bracket contest. We prefer payment in gold bars, but will accept silver or crates of unmarked U.S. currency delivered directly to the port of Chongjin."
The North Korean regime's love of basketball is well known. In a diplomatic trip to the country in 2000, Secretary of State Madeline Albright brought a basketball signed by Michael Jordan as a sign of goodwill. Kim has recently become friends with Jordan's former teammate Dennis Rodman.

According to sources Kim’s bracket has not been publicly announced as not to influence gamblers in west.