Showing posts with label Throwback Thursday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Throwback Thursday. Show all posts

Thursday, November 16, 2023

Throwback Thursday: Tragedy Strikes the Hilton Hotel Empire

It is common knowledge to the regular readers of DMF that we have little no respect for the bed bug ridden Hilton Hotel Chain and their small minded personal vendetta toward DMF/MFNS that they insist on continuing.  And while we refuse to lower ourselves to their level and choose to ignore their closed minded prejudices against our Fair and Balanced editorial views and slam of our journalistic integrity, we can't help but share in their loss of one the more unfortunate members of the Hilton family empire.

RIP - Tinkerbell V. Hilton
Middle Finger News Service Wire

Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua Finally Dies of Embarrassment

(Beverly Hills) - The Chihuahua which Paris Hilton famously carried around in her handbag everywhere she went is believed  to have finally passed away from embarrassment over the weekend, we now can report. Hilton kept the poor, benighted animal in her handbag for 14 long, miserable years until it finally entered a far, far better world late Saturday night.

The Chihuahua, named Tinkerbell, is said to have died when the embarrassment of wearing ‘the most delightful little diamond-studded pink-frilled two piece and tiara’ finally tipped her over the edge into a terminal decline.

A source close to Tinkerbell said:
“For years she would spend her days mortified at the abomination she had become under Paris’ ownership. How many self-respecting dogs own cashmere sweaters and silk neckerchiefs?  She was derided amongst her own kind and longed for the blessed relief of eternal rest. Finally she is at peace.”
The fashion statement of keeping miniature animals in handbags first appeared in the early 2000’s among people who like their personal accessories to smell of dog piss, and has proven to be inexplicably popular among America's female 1% elite.  Entire breeds of miniature dog were created which existed solely to fill the clutch bags of witless socialites.

MFNS Fashion Correspondent Julian Ferret-Smartly: 
“It’s the end of an era really.  Paris single-handedly created the trend for tiny shit-machines in your handbag, and she stuck with it through thick and thin. I expect she’s completely distraught. What’s going to relieve itself in her purse now?”
A spokesman for Paris Hilton told us she hoped to move on from the death of her beloved pet, and aimed to start a new trend by keeping incontinent pigeons in her Purse.

When word of the tragic circumstances and death of Tinkerbell reached Pair Hilton's one time BFF Kim Kardashian , she tweeted:
"so sorry 4 your los. guess i better ree think draggin my monkey Kanye around so much"  #buhbyetinkerbell

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From the Archives of  Middle Finger News Service - Originally Published May 2015 

Thursday, October 12, 2023

Throwback Thursday: Hillary's Late Night Phone Call To the President

Hillary Clinton phoned the President’s office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the President, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed Hillary. After some cajoling, the President’s assistant finally agreed to disturb his boss’s important study time....... Keep Reading


Thursday, September 28, 2023

Throwback Thursday: The Trump Impeachment Signing Day Photo You Weren't Supposed to See.

from the Great Moments in History Archives of January 16, 2020
 
Democrat committee members convene in private as the Speaker of the House loads a bowl for the group's partaking of celebratory bong hits before officially signing off on the Articles of Impeachment and delivery to the Senate Chamber. The most amazing feature of this historic photo is that it shows Nancy Pelosi actually cast a reflection in the mirror. 

~ Thank You Larwyn's Linx@ Doug Ross Journal for the Linkage! ~

Thursday, April 13, 2023

Throwback Thursday: Vagina Museum Applies For Liquor License

Today, with all things tranny and drag queens sucking all the air out of the room, I thought it a good time to remind the faux ladies that they are just clowns, and us real women got museums. Suck On That! *Snap!*

From the Great Moments in History Archives Oct 24, 2019


Note to Reader: There are so many possible jokes packed in that post title, and caused me to contemplate deleting this post before publication. But your esteemed Editrix would have felt remiss at passing up a opportunity to relieve my most excellent readers of the drudgery of reading more of the politics of the day, and of politicians who act like another part of the human anatomy we all have. That said, I apologize in advance for this post....

_____________________________

You know what that Vagina Museum needs? An alcohol license.  But which vagina museum, you ask?

That would be the Vagina Museum set to open November 16th at London’s Camden Market, specifically. The grand showcase of unshowables is on a mission to spread the word on "gynecological anatomy and health." And to get you liquored up, I guess, at that wondrous place, the "world’s first bricks and mortar museum dedicated to vaginas."

But some people are concerned about its petition for a alcohol license far more than being known for actually having a Vagina Museum in their neighborhood.
"We have no doubt that the museum will try to ensure that no inappropriate parties will be allowed, but stag parties are not known for their respectfulness and hen parties can also be raucous and difficult to control."
Yeah, Drunken Hen Parties!! 
"If parties become rowdy, they will be removed by security and then end up on our streets, creating public nuisance."
And what if those stags and hens collide? Treachery could ensue says the chair of the Tenants Residents Associations, Camden Town. She expressed worry that the museum is "actively seeking" hen and stag nights.

Nevertheless, on Thursday, the erected salute to unmentionables was granted its license. Originally, the museum had applied to sell booze Sunday to Thursday from 10 a.m. to 11:30 p.m. and Friday and Saturday, 10 a.m. to midnight. That was so, I suppose, you could say to your buddy, "Hey, it’s 11:00 at night. Let’s go down to the Vagina Museum and grab a beer."

Also granted: the ability to show films between 10 a.m. and 10:30 p.m. Monday thru Saturday, and 11 a.m. to 10:30 p.m. Sunday. Films. What kind of .....oh never mind.  There was just one condition imposed by the licensing panel: No more than 100 people may be inside the Vagina Museum at any one time. (..that sentence sounded better in my head) So go the rules and regulations of an esteemed community ornament.

So if you are in Jolly Ole London on or about November 16th, the line-up for the gallery’s opening exhibit will be "Muff Busters: Vagina Myths And How To Fight Them." And be sure to stop off at the bar.

[Telegraph UK]
[KMAJC]

Thursday, March 2, 2023

Thursday, November 17, 2022

Throwback Thursday: Horrific Night House Chamber Was Temporarily Evacuated

From the Middle Finger News Service Archives - Jan 2017
 

MFNS-WASHINGTON DC - Late Friday night near panic struck the Chamber of the House of Representatives during a debate before those present of a bill sponsored by democrats for $350 Billon in federal funding for the construction of "Transgender Only Driving Lines" within California's Federal Highway system. The bill was Sponsored by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Cal.) 

The debate was interrupted when House Speaker Paul Ryan notice Pelosi, at the dais at the time, head began to violently quiver from side to side. Middle Finger News Congressional Correspondent, Ima Gonagetu spoke to Speaker Ryan after the incident:
"I knew something was wrong when Minority Leader Pelosi began slurring her words and her face began to contort and could hear a metallic popping sounds...... and then heard the House Clerk scream and saw blood gushing from her forearm as she passed out and fell face first onto her desk....... I yelled THERE SHE BLOWS and ran for the door....."
What many who worked closely with Pelosi over the years feared would someday happen, happened. The permanent metal staples from her numerous massive face-lifts had begun to come loose. There was shrapnel in the air.


Along with the House Clerk, others wounded included the august Rep. John Lewis (D-Ga.) who survived a flying staple injury on the cheek. 
"I'm Okay. I feel honored to have shed blood in this hallowed hall in an honorable cause for our Transgendered brothers and sisters....or huh... ......as honored as when I got my head bashed in with a brick doing up some trouble during the Civil Rights movement." 
The few in congress who were there ignoring Pelosi's speech ducked under their desk for cover while others ran for the door. Many of the members later found metal staples lodge in their suit coats.


One such Congressman was Rep. Bullet-Head Elijah Cummings (D-Md.) who told us of his harrowing experience: 
"There was fear in the air when everyone realized what was going on. I hadn't been that scared since last time I walked through my district in Baltimore! It was scary I tell you!" 
Minority Leader Pelosi was restrained and removed from the House floor, later to be spotted exiting a black SUV at Walter Reed Army Hospital with a large Walmart bag over her head.

DEVELOPING...

Thursday, May 26, 2022

Throwback Thursday: The Famous Unaired Last 'Love Boat' Episode

From the Dank Archives of DMF - October 7, 2015

Starring in order of Appearance:


Thursday, April 28, 2022

Throwback Thursday: HealthCare.gov is Now Live! Early ObamaCare Signups to Receive Daily Specials

From the Archives - 10/25/2013 

* Limited time offer. Contents under pressure. Prices slightly higher in California. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. Extra discounts available to registered democrats. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure. Some equipment shown is optional. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named. If you have received this message by mistake, delete this e-mail from your system immediately or be subject to penalty and/or imprisonment in a federal facility of our choice. This information is subject to change without notice. All rights reserved. Power To The Correct People.

Sign up Today.  NOW.  Right This Minute! Operators are standing by to take your calls.



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Thursday, March 17, 2022

Throwback Thursday - Hillary Clinton Arrested for Impersonating a Book Author

Writers Guild Makes Citizens Arrest


from the 'Great Moments in History' archives - July 2014

(MFNS) NYC - Former First Lady, Secretary of State, pretentious Hag and would be famous literary personality, Hillary Clinton, was surrounded and captured at a book-signing today by a vigilante group representing the the Writer Guild of America invoking a Citizens Arrest.

Witness said Mrs. Clinton rose slowly from her seat and said "I've been expecting you". As Mrs. Clinton was led away she was heard to mumble "Mark My Word You Bitches! You all will pay for this after my coronation!"

Speaking for the writers vigilante group to reporters was the Writer Guild President, Dame Edith Bronson, author of such classic works as 'The Soul of a Squid" and ' The collect poems of Hugo Chavez':
"I, as well as my colleague, Professor of Biography Dr. Paul Menlo LeSquirt, today took the bold step to remove from the public eye an embarrassment and menace to the reputation of the literary world. 
Not since the publication of Barack Obama's auto-biography has so much fiction been passed on to the public as a non- fiction volume, and with all the pre-publication  pomp and promotion usually reserved for great works of  literature such as 'Harry Potter' and '50 Shades of Gray'. 
We simple could not in good conscience any longer allow Mrs. Clinton to soil the reputation of the literary world and the time honored craft of book authorship."  
Mrs. Clinton's Book "Hard Choices" has had dismal sales and failed to reach #1 on the NYT book list before or after it's debut, and has dropped quickly on Amazon.com. falling behind such powerhouse tomes as 'Little Blue Truck' by Alice Schertle and last years "Farmer's Almanac" 

Thursday, February 24, 2022

Reader Email


During the recent onslaught of the Chinese Virus and resulting time spent at home, reader email to your Illustrious Editrix experienced an unprecedented uptick. Mainly chit-chat and some personal questions.  Some were interesting *cough* and some made me laugh. Some surely written before their daily medication took affect, and some I thought should be answered publicly in the name an informed citizenry.

That said, you guys can stop requesting I send pictures of my breasticials, as the sheer vision of their magnificence could possibly trigger a cardiac episode in some valued readers, and I would feel responsible. So I find that a bad idea. So Stop. Ain't gonna happen.


from bejohnce@.....................

Dear Ms. Sarcastica, 
Look me in the eye baby and tell me how boats work.

Dear bejohnce, this is simple string theory metaphysics. You see, water wants to go down, so does the boat, so water pushes the boat up to get boat out of the way. The trick is you need to find a boat that wants to go down less than the water does. Once you've done that, the boat remains on top of the water (which is real slippery) you can push it.  Your welcome, and don't forget to floss.  


from crispy_fried@...........................  

Yo Dio,
Is it gay to be a man??? I mean assuming an Aristotelian view of mind-body dualism, you'd be inside a man at all times, No?

Dear Crispy, 
There are two things that come to mind when reading your question, things that modern man should refrain from participation. (1- never sit duct-taped to a chair, locked in a room with a three year old playing with a loaded gun. (2- never attempt to explain our present world gone crazy in terms of the ancient philosophers. Were they alive now, they'd be standing in a pool of their own pee on a street corner in Berkeley yelling at passing cars.  But to answer your question, Yes you're Gay.

from basketcase_belinda@llllllllllllllllll 

Dear Jan,
My son accidently colored something Blue instead of Green, so I told him to just color over with Yellow and when it turned Green he asked me if I was a witch. I didn't say no. Did I do the right thing?

Dear basketcase, Hell Yeah. Advantage Belinda!
Here's my advice. Go buy a parrot and train it to say these simple phrases:
* "I miss my hands"
* "Never break a promise to a Witch"
* "I just want to hug my kids again"
.......then I bet he will clean his fucking room!


from bactrac24@......................... 

Dio. 
You once mentioned you had some Scottish blood. Me Too, cousins maybe?  What is one of you favorite memories of Scottland?

Dear Bactrac, Yes, my paternal grandparents are proud Scots. I mean, Really Proud.  Some of my fondest memories are of summer travel in the Scottish countryside.  You don't know what fun is until you witnesses a drunk on the Edinburgh to Glasgow train screaming "a hate fuckin' hedgehogs...come at me ya jabby wee cunt" while angrily circling a hairbrush that's been dropped on the floor.

from heckler99@ooooooooooooooooo

Dear DS,
If I were to ask your best friend what legendry act they would always remember you for, what would they say.

Dear Heckler, I once told my bestest friend in all the world that I was coming to one of her epic Halloween parties dressed as Amelia Earhart. Then I never showed up.

Thursday, February 17, 2022

Throwback Thursday: Helen Keller Photography Portfolio Sold at Auction

Middle Finger News Service - Of all the accomplishments of Helen Keller, the least known was her love of photography. Recently a small collection of her work was auctioned off for an amazing price to an anonymous bidder.

Included in the collection was one of the first known selfies, (below) taken in 1923, and gifted to her teacher and mentor Anne Sullivan with a note written on back, "My hair is a mess, such a windy day."

Before They Were Cool, A Selfie by Helen Keller

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Thursday, November 18, 2021

Throwback Thursday: Replace Joe Biden??

NOTE TO READER: There are rumors of a deep chasm developing between 46* and the his VP, and she may or may not be on the way out.  Seems there's some dissin' and racisms goin' on and Kampala and her hired staff of sistas ain't happy.  Biden isn't a stranger to this situation, as he, the clownish court jester of the Obama Administration, was rumored in late 2012 as possibly being dumped as VP before the November election for....I almost can't say her name......Ma Clinton.  As we here at DMF pride ourselves as always having our knee on the pulse of the body politic of America, we threw our Tugs McWilson out on the streets that summer to ask America, "Should Hillary Replace Joe Biden as VP?"

from the Dank Archives of DMF - July 2012
 
Diogenes' Man on the Street Asks:
Should Hillary Replace Joe Biden for VP in 2012 Election?

 
"Absolutely. I do think Obama should replace Biden with Clinton. It can only help his re-election. And if Joe Biden is looking for work, I have use for a guy who can disparage half the population in a single sentence".
Brad Nittwith - Internal Revenue Service



 "No, I don't think Biden should be replaced! Preezy Obama and Joe Biden have done a great job with the economy. Hell, back in 2007 even a King didn't have the luxury of a Vodka and Red Bull mix."
Belinda Twittel - Wal-mart Cashier



"Yes! It's about time we have a woman of Hillary's caliber in high power in this country. After all, she's single handedly brought peace to the Middle East! Suck on that Condie Rice!" 
Shelia Lovett Bigg - Public School Educator




"Means nothing to Faruk! All America is but imperialist infidel running dog jackals that will ultimately feel the sting of Allah's wrath .....Praise Be to Allah!"
Faruk Al Squworme - Taxi Driver




"You axing  Laquita? I don't know how to vote.... but if I did I'd sure nuff vote for Barack cause all the free sh*t  he gets me and my babies wiff my EBT card!.... know what I'm sayin....free cell phones and rolling papers for Dontrell.  Barack gets my 16 year old free sh*t for her two babies too!"
 Laquita Jones - Homemaker


"Get off my sidewalk you #%*+&@+ hate filled rightwing fascist!"
Holota Wadsworth - Women's Reproductive Health Center Director




"Yeah. Hillary is a great Idea. Biden is the ultimate Washington insider. Obama should have picked somebody who knows absolutely nothing about politics. It might be good for Obama seeing that the people voting in the next election are going to be angry, intolerant white people. You would have to be a fool to miss a chance to vote for a beautiful smart lady like Hillary?"
Pat - Famous  Daily Kos Basement Blogger  



"Hillary for Biden? I think it's a great idea! And I really like the idea of a do-over election thing because I totally blew my first vote on Stephen Colbert last time.  I've purposely avoided upward mobility and social progress so I can benefit from all the free money I get from my trust fund."
Lance Farnsworth III - Occupy Wall Street Organizer



"Get out of my way you little worm..... 
 I said get out of my face! I'm gonna..."
Some Angry White Guy





________________________________

Tugs McWilson is DMF Senior Political Editor. Tugs is a father of 9 (that he knows of) and holds a degree in recycling from the California School of Sanitation. A retired manager of Minute Oil Change, Tugs is an avid reader, or at least that's what we've been told. 

Thursday, November 4, 2021

Throwback Thursday: Hillary Clinton Points Boney Finger At Middle Finger News


from the dank archives of Middle Finger News Service - June 2017

CNN2 - After blaming the Russians, WIKI Leaks, Trump Operatives, the DNC, her Campaign Staff, Tweeter, Facebook, Climate Change and Tree Fungus for her unexpected defeat in November, Hillary Clinton again Thursday skirted her own blame by pointing a crooked arthritic finger at the up and coming Media Giant 'Middle Finger News Service' and it's Corporate Owner, Diogenes Middle Finger.com Inc.

Speaking Thursday during a gathering of the 'Dental Floss Farmers of America' convention, Mrs. Clinton fired both barrels at the respected news organization as she became visibly upset:  
"I took great care to warn my replacement as Secretary of State, Senator John Kerry, about this vicious bunch at Middle Finger News, who he later labeled "Unamerican, Uncosmopolitan, Despicable Hooligans" after his own personal experiences with them. 
I directly blame them, in all confidence, for playing a large part in my ......*BURP*.... election loss for the false and totally unfair  portrayal of me to the American electorate. 
Especially that elusive witch who goes by the name Diogenes and her cohort.... that smartass Earl of Taint, both for their vicious satire and distorted imagery of me as a Drunken, Bumbling, Bloated, Radical Grandmother and Crime Family Boss with one foot in the grave. They make a mockery of the First Amendment!
It's a G** D*** good thing for the whole bunch of them that I didn't get elected!!!"...... Those Rat Bastards are gonna pay!!........You HEAR ME!!!!!....YOU'RE GOIN DOWN!!!
Shaking violently, Mrs. Clinton began repeatedly banging her head on the podium, breaking down in tears and a raging coughing fit, having to be helped off and attended to backstage.

When CNN contacted the offices of Middle Finger News Service about the statement by Clinton, an unnamed MFNS spokesman refused comment, but the newsroom was heard in the background to break out in uproarious laughter. 

When our reporter informed the spokesman he had never heard of Middle Finger News Service before, the spokesman laughed and responded "Don't get out much do ya Skippy? Shit, Go ask Anderson Cooper, we made him cry too!"

Thursday, October 28, 2021

Throwback Thursday: Moochelle O. Visits 'THE CHEW '

From MFNS Archives of 10-1-2014
New York (MFNS)-The First Lady, Michelle Obama was in New York  last weekend to tape two live segments of the popular show cooking 'The Chew', slated to run this Friday, October 3rd. on ABC.  Middle Finger News has obtained exclusive production video screen-shots of her up-coming appearance from sources behind the scenes of the show, because we got people.  
As always, wherever the First Lady makes an appearence, the audience greets Mrs. O. enthusiastically, and the Chew audience were thrilled to see the nation's school lunch menu lady and wife of the President in person.


Looked absolutely stunning in her tan fitted slacks and lace-up brown blouse with gold chiffon fart-flap early warning system she also wore at a recent photo-op,  Mrs. Obama talked at length to the Chew Crew of proper nutrition and of her love of slaving over a hot stove to cook healthy meals for Barry and the first gals.


The recipe of the day was Mrs. Obama's secret ingredients for her favorite summer evening family dish, a rich high protein, low calorie luscious 'Garden Snail and Ethiopian Rainbow Toad Egg Soup' with a delicately roasted Botswana Dandelion Garnish. 


Mrs. O. severed up the dish to the Crew with a side of chilled pickled arugula with  ground African Ubuntu Nut seasoning, smothered in a creamy sweet pisto goat spline dressing. It was a big hit.


In the second segment the First Lady made her  favorite desert treats, ' Repollo y Fajita pastelitos de carne ' with free range yak sperm & cream cheese icing. But looking a little green around the gills from the main course, the Chew Crew decided to pass on the sweet treats, as did the audience.  

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS for the Linkage! ~

Thursday, October 21, 2021

TBT: The Day 2 Million Mile Joe Got His Own Train Station

Yesterday Joe Biden traveled to his home town of Scranton Pennsylvania to give what was announced to be some kind of speech pitching his expensive free stuff agenda. But, not surprising, almost from the very start degenerated into a rambling, nonsensical trip down memory lane more suited for a high school awards banquet or local Chamber of Commerce breakfast. I'm sure there were nervous OH-NO's and pants peeing by handlers behind the scenes. 

At one point for reasons known only to him, Joe chose to brag to the crowd of how many miles he had logged on taxpayer funded government flights. That then led to a story of an Amtrak employee telling Joe that, by the numbers, Joe's commuting had logged at least 2 Million train miles on Amtrak. 

That, I though, was probable the major accomplishment of Joe Biden's career to that point. Then I was reminded of a story we ran some 10 years ago when V.P. Joe received a career high honor:


From the Dank Archives of DMF - March 19, 2011

Joseph R. Biden Railroad Station Christened

With only a minor delay, like the Amtrak C.E.O having to be brought to the event in a car after his train was delayed, the historic refurbished Wilmington Train Station was finally put into service officially as "The Joseph R. Biden Jr. Railroad Station" today.

Even with Obama's high unemployment and flailing economy, much to the chagrin of taxpayers, the refurbished Station received $20 million in federal stimulus funds, and managed to come in somewhere in the neighborhood of $5.7 million over budget.


Tax Payers and fans gave a big send-off to the  
Vice President and the first train as it leaves out of  
the newly christened Biden Station.

(The Wilmington News Journal)

~ Thank You WHATFINGER NEWS  &

Friday, July 9, 2021

Throwback Thursday: Great Moments in History #14

From the Dank Archives of DMF -  March 21, 2011

  
On this day in 1964...

To counter the onslaught of the sixties British Music Invasion, legendary rock band 'Newman, Davis, Mitchum, Martin & Garner' was formed as music's first "Super Group".  Gigs were raucous and far between, and the band finally disbanded and went on to successful solo careers and film projects. Their ground breaking formula has been followed successfully many time since. Band members privately blamed the groups demise on the refusal of Frank Sinatra to join the project after insisting on he be lead singer, and which kind of hats would be worn. 
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Thursday, May 27, 2021

Throwback Thursday - 'Oh Yeah, NOW I'm Convinced'

From the Dank Archives of DMF 'Great Moments in History' :

Everyone's favorite caricature of their slightly mentally disturbed Middle School General Science Teacher, Bill Nye the Science Guy. 

Caution: Strong Language


The rhetoric on environmental issues from the Left is as astounding as it is dishonest. When you hear the statements about how close we are to the brink of no return with global warming, ever hear them speak about stopping countries like China and India from pushing us over this supposed brink?

(Liz Wheeler Tweeter Box)

Thursday, April 29, 2021

Throwback Thursday: Joe Does Foreign Diplomacy

From the Dank Archives of DMF - March 2014
 









~ Thank You MJA@IOTWReport for the Linkage! ~